Cowboys-Cardinals running commentary melts in your mouth

And we're live, 3:16 pm, at what should have been called Pink Taco Stadium. Oh well, they'll always have the BOB.
University of Phoenix Stadium is looking feisty. Perhaps that's because it's 60% Cowboy fans, and we've been on edge of late.

Nick Folk kicks it off, and … well… fuck.
We're already losing. It appears the Cowboys forgot to drink our tackle juice, and some hipster named JJ Arrington ran around and made just about every Cowboy miss him, and then he was in the end zone. Touchdown Cardinals.
Wow. Fuck. Wowfuck. Nick Folk had a chance to push him out of bounds, but he decided to do something else seemingly unrelated to tackling, and it didn't work.

If you want a positive from that, at least we kept the Cardinals vaunted offense on the sidelines. Hooray?
Larry Fitzgerald enjoys his extra time by rebraiding his hair.


7-0 CARDINALS with 14:51 left in the game.


Kickoff is short, Tony Curtis catches it, and he serenades his way to about 2 yards.

1st and 10 Cowboys from the 32 – Run to Barber, Cardinals in the backfield already, and the Barberian spins his way to about a yard. I'm a little worried about this game. Wade's face seems to be, too… I bet he needs a milkshake. He looks like he was born to have a thick, frothy chocolate drink adorning his face.

2nd and 9 – shotgun – Handoff to Barber… um… there seem to be an inordinate amount of unblocked Cardinals waiting to tackle him so far. No good.

3rd and 7 – Delay of game?? Really, Cowboys??
This is not going well. Romo was in the shotgun, yelling for Gurode to snap it, but Gurode apparently wanted to cradle the ball a little longer. Maybe he has separation issues. Or maybe the football smells of lilacs and chicken soup, and it reminds Gurode of his Great Aunt Lenore. I don't know. Either way, the Cowboys are having issues thus far. Troy just suggested Romo "run up there and kick him [Gurode] in the rear end." Not a bad idea.

3rd and 12 – Romo has time, steps up, throws over the middle, and it falls to the ground. Dick and Troy say it was batted down, but I didn't see that, because the cameraman is apparently an epileptic alcoholic.

McBriar punts, and it's returned by Breaston. Or, as he's known to certain people, BEASTON!


1st and 10 Cardinals from their own 25… False start… good, the Cards can fuck up, too!

1st and 15 – Handoff to Edgerrin James, and he … good lord, he races ahead for 7. Playing football would be a good decision for the Cowboys at this point.

2nd and 7 – Handoff James again, and NICE… this time, we tackle him before he goes forward.

3rd and 7 – Warner has time… throws toward the right sideline, and a diving receiver can't get to it!! Good. Warner and the Cardinals say Pacman interfered, but the refs don't share that sentiment. The replay seems to indicate the Cardinals are right. Oh well, Fuck em. Pacman gon drank to that sheeeyet!

Punt – Pacman has room to run, and then he doesn't have room. It was like he saw a bathroom full of bodyguards all of a sudden.


1st and 10 Cowboys from their own 28 – Pitch left to Barber, and there are MORE Cardinals in the backfield… the Barberian gets about one yard, but not before he's kicked square in the face by a wayward foot.

Arizona calls timeout – probably so they all can put their face-kickin shoes on.

2nd and 9 – Wow, Romo back to pass and he gets sacked. Man, Arizona looks like the best team in the league right now. Troy says Owens and Witten were single-covered. They must have been, because about 19 Cardinals blitzed Romo.
Aaaaaaaaaaaand shit… Romo fumbled when he was sacked, but for some reason the refs blew it dead. But now the Cards are challenging… oh wait, no they're not. They can't challenge. We learned that in week 1, when Hocchuli's biceps got in the way of seeing Cutler's fumble. But my god, Romo definitely did fumble. The Cardinals got screwed there. We are not good at football.

3rd and 20 – Romo has time, throws in the direction of Owens along the left sidelines, but it's really not close. Wow. A fan reached for that pass. That's how not close it was.

Punt – Beaston returns it about 10 yards, but there's a flag down. Illegal block on them. I'm glad that the Cardinals seem to be interested in matching us, crap-for-crap.


1st and 10 Cardinals from the 21 – Edge bursts through for 5. Damn, I might have to quit this commentary soon and fly to Arizona and try to help tackle.

2nd and 6 – WR screen to Beaston, and he keeps bouncing off of about 5 Cowboy tackles. Well, poop for him. All that for 1 yard.

3rd and 5 – FUMBLE!!!!!! Warner couldn't handle the snap, then got it back, THEN had it ripped out of his hands, and the Cowboys recovered!!! WOW, both teams suck!! Who can be more inept?!!?!?! It's an inept-off!!


1st and 10 Cowboys from the Arizona 25 – HOLY CRAP!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!? Romo has the ball knocked away from him, and the Cardinals recover!! Jesus Christ – this is the worst the Cowboys have looked in FOREVER. Romo looks like a retarded child out there, and the offensive line appears only to be trying to play pattycake with anyone near them. It seems that the Cowboys have taken a sizeable lead in the battle for most inept.


1st and 10 Cards from their own 28 – Pass complete to Beaston for 16 yards. Um, boo.

1st and 10 from the 44 – James runs right for about 4.

[I have just been informed that Romo is 0-2 with 1 fumble. Good. Good.]

2nd and 6 – James tries to go left, which is not a good idea because D-Ware is waiting to take out some frustrations. He does by making Edge's body wilt to the turf. With ferocity.

3rd and 8 – Warner's pass it batted down by Ratliff!! Jay Ratliff can join my picnic any day! Have some more potato salad, Jay! Mind the ants!

Punt by Dirk Johnson. Out of Bounds. Of course it is. What an insane fucking game. Is it still 7-0 Cards? It feels like this is a scrimmage by autistic middle schoolers.


1st and 10 Cowboys from the 20 – Barber up the middle for nothing. Jesus effing lord. Where did this Cardinals run D come from? We are getting pushed around.

2nd and 10 – Handoff to Barber, and he finds a little daylight and pushes for about 4. Hooray for positive yardage. Happiness is relative at this point.

3rd and 6 – Oh. My. God. Romo throws to a wide open Witten (our 3rd down security blanket) and he fucking dropped it. Like, seriously – perfect pass, and right through his hands. Crapbuckets.

Punt – Short kick, and Beaston returns it to about the 38.


1st and 10 Cards from their 38 – Holy god this game is turning my brain to cheese!!! They Cowboys pressured Warner up the middle, hit him as he threw a deep duck down the left side, and Kenny Hamlin INTERCEPTED it at the 20!!! This game is like one giant, surreal blooper reel.


1st and 10 Cowboys from their own 20 – Romo passes to Witten short up the middle, and holy hell, he held on!! He gets about 8. MORE POSITIVE YARDS.

2nd and 1 – Felix plows through the middle for about 5. FIRST DOWN!

1st and 10 from the 34 – Shotgun – Romo short pass to Crayton on the right, and he gets tripped up after about 6. Ok ok, let's just find some sort of rhythm.

2nd and 4 – Handoff Felix, and he gets about 2. Troy says the Cards are really stacking the line to try to stop the run. No shit.

3rd and 2 – Designed roll to the right, and Romo tries to throw deep to Crayton along the sidelines. He was covered perfectly and the throw was too long anyway. What the fuck are we doing? All we needed was 2. It was third down! Isn't there a better play call that would help sustain a drive? Don't we have the Barberian for a reason? Or couldn't we have used one of our 3 tight ends? This game is making my blood-sugar plummet.

Punt by McBriar, and …hahaha, my goodness… it comes THIS CLOSE to being perfect, but it rolls along the goal line and hits the pylon. Of course it does. Touchback.


1st and 10 Cards from their own 20 – Handoff right to Edge, Cowboys string him along and tackle him for a loss of 2. Oh, but it doesn't matter. Holding on the Cardinals!! YAYAY… He was holding Ratliff. Because Ratliff's a badass. Help yourself to some bean salad, Jay.

1st and 20 – Screen to James, and he gets all the way to the 23…Hahahaha, holy hell, ANOTHER penalty on the Cards. Illegal man downfield.

1st and 25 from the 5 – Wowow… shuttle pass to some dude named Hightower (not the guy from Police Academy) and the Cowboy D plays it well and holds him to about 2 yards. Pacman with a hell of a tackle. Our D actually looks really good.


And that's the end of the first quarter, and we haven't had a single offensive touchdown. And my fantasy team (with Romo and TO today) is in shambles.


After 1 quarter, 7-0 Cards. And those 7 points happened on the opening kick. And yet, that was the most terrifyingly insane 7-0 quarter of football I've ever seen.


SECOND QUARTER


2nd and 23 Cards from their own 7 – D-Ware just destroyed Warner, but he passed it to Fitz just in time, and Fitz got about 10.

3rd and 13 – NIIIIIIIIIIIICE… Pass underneath, and Orlando Scandrick (rookie with a wonderful name) makes a great tackle.

Punt – Pacman with a nice return, but the worst player on the Cowboy roster, Barbie Carpenter, makes an OBVIOUS block in the back, costing us much yardage. Fucking Barbie effing Carpenter. Ruining things for everyone. His own mother makes him eat with the dog.


1st and 10 Cowboys from their own 14 (because of Barbie Carpenter's bitchass) – Nice! Draw to the Barberian, and he races up for about 9.

[Pam Oliver's giant forehead is reporting something.]

2nd and 1 – Barber plows through for 3 and a first down. Thank the heavens. Let's see if we can sustain something here.

[Troy says he's never seen the Cowboys look so terrible for a whole quarter under Romo's stewardship. Awesome.]

1st and 10 – Short dumpoff to Barber over the middle. 6 yards.

2nd and 4 – Barber runs up the middle and drags people with him for 3 yards. He looks possessed right now. I love that look.

3rd and 1 – (We do NOT need a deep pass Jason!) – Nice! Misdirection pitch to Felix for 15… But FUCKING HELL!! We're called for an illegal formation, and we lose 5 yards instead. Of course we do.

3rd and 6 – Swings pass to Barber in the left flat, and he rumbles for about 12 yards. It's like I always say, you must follow the possessed man!!

1st and 10 from the 43 – Barber pushes for about a yard.

2nd and 8 – Romo under crazy pressure, dumped it off to Barber, but he loses 2. Man, is the Cardinals secondary really this good? Romo hasn't come close to completing a pass over 10 yards yet. And he's only attempted about 3. Hahaha, Dick Stockton just said that exact same thing. I don't know if that's awesome or pathetic. Do I really want to be like Dick Stockton? I'll get back to ya on that. I need to rinse off my dentures.

3rd and 10 – Oh. My. God. Pass to Crayton at the sidelines ALMOST intercepted. Should have been, but Crayton knocked it away. Romo looks absolutely awful. I need to start boycotting him again for my fantasy team like I did last season. Because my curse seems to be back. And how!

4th down – … and the Cowboys shittiness is spreading, as McBriar shanks the punt. I think he was feeling left out of the shit party. Welcome, Mat. Please take your nametag and pick up a bucket of shit, and begin throwing it around aimlessly like your teammates have been doing for the last 45 minutes or so.


1st and 10 cards from their own 34 – Handoff to Arrington, and he gets a couple.

2nd and 8 – Warner back to throw, and my goodness, Beaston was WIDE OPEN. There wasn't another player in the camera shot when he caught it. 22 yards. And btw, we're still losing 7-0.

1st and 10 from the Cowboy 41 – Safety blitz, trying to kill Warner, and his throw is behind the receiver. Wow, the receiver should have caught it, but he's white, so we can't expect too much. And in the irony of ironies, they're white receiver's last name is Urban. He's probably a tejano fan.

2nd and 10 – Handoff to James, and SPENCER JUST UNLOADS ON HIM. Wow, that got some ooohs and aaahs. Now let's kill Warner.

3rd and 10 – No pressure, but Warner has to throw it underneath, and it's short of the first down.

Ooh, but they're going for it!

4th and 4 – Shotgun, 4 WR's – FALSE START!!! Hahaha, yayaya, they're just as bad as we are! And now they have to punt.

Punt , and Crayton fair catches it at the 9.
51 yards of offense for the Cowboys so far. Magnificent.


1st and 10 Cowboys from their 9 – Handoff Barber, and he gets roughly .0003 yards. More Cardinals waiting in the backfield for him.

2nd and 9 (generous spot) – HOLY SHIT!!!! WHAT IS ROMO DOING???? The Cards got pressure with four, and Romo kept backpedaling, then he pump-faked, then pulled it in just as he got hit, then he just lost the ball in the end zone!!! I think he dropped it on purpose, so that it would be an incomplete pass instead of a safety, but the refs ruled it a fumble and the Cards recover for a TD!!! HOLY GOD.
So now Wade has to waddle himself down the sidelines and throw the challenge flag. And right in the middle of his mac-n-cheese portion of the second quarter.
I cannot believe how TERRIBLE we look. If you're still sleeping right now, you've made the right choice. I kinda wish I were doing anything else at the moment. Possibly even an electroshock enema.
HOLY CRAP!!!!! THEY REVERSED THE CALL!! They called it a tuck (which it was), and thus an incomplete pass!! I hate that dumb tuck rule, but it just bailed the Cowboys out right there. I guess Romo knew what he was doing, but that was the riskiest shit ever. I hope Jessica Simpson has diarrhea right now.

3rd and 9 from the 10 – WHOA!!! PASS COMPLETE TO CRAYTON ACROSS THE MIDDLE FOR 24!! Caught it on his fingertips. FIRST DOWN!! Romo got smashed. He kinda deserved it. Now wake up, dipshit. (Romo, not you.)

1st and 10 from the 34 – False start! On Columbo. Good god, I'm seriously starting to question Wade Phillips as a coach, as well as a dieter. We're looking worse and worse every week.

1st and 15 – Pass to Tony Curtis for a loss of one. He wasn't singing his way out of that one. (Zing!)

2nd and 11 – Handoff Barber, and he gets yards, but Columbo holds. And the refs call it. That's his 2nd penalty in 2 plays. Wonderful job. Please come forward and pick up your nametag and bucket of shit.


Two-minute warning.
I think we should draw up some plays to maybe get something going. But Wade staring at a economy-sized bag of Twizzlers and listening to REO Speedwagon on his headphones.

2nd and 21 – Screen to Barber, and the Barberian gets 20!! An actual good play, and no penalties!! I'm gonna keep on loving you, Marion.

3rd and 2 – Romo under crazy pressure, flips it out to Barber, who fights across the first down line. Gain of 3… FIRST DOWN.

Timeout Cowboys

Cowboys haven't been shut out in a half in 2 years. Awesome. Here we come, history!

1st and 10 – Crayton WIDE OPEN OVER THE MIDDLE…. AND HE HAS BLOCKERS!!! NO ONE'S TOUCHING HIM!!! TOUCHDOWN!!!! 55 YARDS!!! FUCKING FINALLY!!
Patrick Crayton, please return your bucket of shit… you need it no longer.


7-7 is now our score with :59 left in the first half.


Kickoff – Pooch kick, and it BOUNCES OFF THE ARIZONA RECEIVER, and there's a scramble for the ball!!.... Who's got it?? COWBOY FOOTBALL!!!!!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? I'm not sure we deserve this, but ooooooookay!!!

I am out of breath, and I haven't said anything in an hour.


1st and 10 Cowboys from the Cards 27 – Romo gets hit as he throws, and just overthrows Miles Austin in the end zone. Man, if Romo doesn't get hit, that's 7.

2nd and 10 – 9 yard pass along the left sidelines complete to Owens! There's almost 1 point for my fantasy team. Nice work, Terrell.

3rd and 1 – Pass incomplete to Owens! WHY WOULD YOU THROW IT?!?!?!?!?! Through traffic?!?! You only need one yard!! You have timeouts!! Troy says the Cowboys rushed that play, and I would have to agree. Argh.

Here comes our FG unit…

36-yard FG attempt by Folk – HE MISSED IT!!! IT CLANKED OFF THE LEFT UPRIGHT!!!! Holy craptastic shitstains, Batman!!! WHAT IS THIS GAME?!!?!? This is like a bizarro game!! I need some Rollaids. This is insane.

That drive was the most pathetic display. We looked like a JV offense. Who's running this offense??? Did some child win a contest and this is his prize??? Is Jason Garrett calling this game with a blindfold on??? Are the coaches trying to run this game in Spanish, in honor of playing in Arizona???
I am insane now.


That's it, we're at HALFTIME. Old roommate Chris is here, telling us about his honeymoon. Just as well. I need some time to regroup.


START OF THE 3RD QUARTER – 7-7


Felix Jones will return the kick, and he will take it to the 21. Let's see if Romo and the Cowboys come out wearing their football underwear.

[Pam Oliver's forehead is staring at me again. It's telling me nothing, and neither is her mouth.]

1st and 10 Cowboys from their own 23 – Run to Barber, who plows ahead for about 3 yards.

2nd and 7 – WOW!! Romo pressured and has to get rid of it… Throws it down the right side toward TO, and TO turns around and makes a nice catch off the ground.

1st and 10 from the 35 – Handoff Barber, and about 17 Cardinals are in the backfield to greet him... Barber makes his way to the sidelines for 2 yards. Moral victory?

2nd and 8 – Quick pass to TO, who fights for a First Down! Taken down by his shoes…

1st and 10 – HOLY CRAP ANOTHER INSANE PLAY!!!! Romo was under pressure, dumped it off to Barber, and he was smashed and lost the ball, and Arizona had about 4 chances to recover and somehow it squirted to Columbo who fell on top of it. Lady Fate sure seems to be on our side today, and we keep throwing pies in her face.

2nd and 6 – Handoff Felix who cuts left and zooms around for 14. Wow. Have we ever discussed how fast he is? Because he's pretty goddamn fast.

1st and 10 from the Cards 35 – Pass to TO on the left side for another 7. I like this drive better than all the other ones combined. I think Jason Garret took his blindfold off. Or he took his Gas-X.

2nd and 2 – Barber pushes ahead right to the First Down line. I guess they're measuring. Wow, about 4 inches short. Wade looks very confused. I think he had some bad ham at halftime.

3rd and inches – Barber dives ahead for a - FUCK!!!!! False Start on Witten! Goddamn, this is the worst display. Witten's now wearing the blindfold. Or he's a liberal commie. Those are the only two explanations.

3rd and 5 – Aaaaaaaaaaaaand now Romo wants a timeout. Whatever rhythm we had is dead.

3rd and 5 – Romo to Witten who makes up for his dumb penalty!! What a catch! He had to extend his fingertips and defy physics!!

1st and 10 from the Cards 20 – Delayed draw to Barber and he bullrushes for 6 or 7. That was nice. He's starting to look possessed again. Good things.

2nd and 4 – Play fake to the right, everyone going to the right, and Romo turns around and throws it left to a wide open Bennett!! AND HE DROPPED IT!!!! JESUS LORD ALMIGHTY!! WHO ARE WE?!?!?!? That was a touchdown…

3rd and 4 – TOUCHDOWN MILES AUSTIN!!!!! GREAT THROW FROM ROMO, AND AUSTIN JUMPED UP AND SNATCHED OUT OF THE AIR AT THE GOALLINE!!!

Hahaha, holy god. We had a false start on the extra point. On the extra point. Wade Phillips has his back turned to the game and now he's stuffing an entire quesadilla in his mouth.
Ok, the second extra point was good.


14-7 COWBOYS w/ 8:11 left.


HOLY GOD!! FOLK'S KICKOFF GOES OUT OF BOUNDS!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE TODAY??? I am out of mildly humorous, sarcastic things to say. This ridiculous amount of ineptitude is blowing my mind.


1st and 10 Cards from their own 40 – Hahahaha, FALSE START on the Cards. It's like both teams are trying to prove who's shittier. That's really what it looks like.

1st and 15 – Edge goes left and only gets 3. DeMarcus and his merry band of banshees are really playing well.

2nd and 12 – WHOA… Pressure right up the middle and Warner has to get rid of it!! Incomplete! Fight, you banshees!

3rd and 12 – OH MY GOD, ANOTHER FALSE START!!! WOWOWEEWAH!! Hahaha, this exchange just took place:
Dick: "Pam told us at halftime that [Cardinals coach] Ken Whisenhunt said his team was shooting itself in the foot too much, and they're doing it again here, Troy."
Troy: "I think Whisenhunt's about to start shooting people, period."

3rd and 17 – HOLY CRAP!!! This game is fucking insane!! The Cowboys tipped the screen pass, but the RB Hightower grabbed it out of the air and sprinted 17 yards for the first down. Ass.

1st and 10 – Handoff Hightower for about 4 up the middle. I wish it were the Hightower from Police Academy. That would make this game much more bearable.

2nd and 6 – WHOA… Warner's almost sacked, then pitches it to Fitz, who got crushed. Incomplete.

That prompts Dick Stockton to deliver this gem: "And Warner very nearly got it from behind." Hah. Warner's a good Christian, sir. He'd appreciate you not talking about him that way.

3rd and 6 – Complete on the slant to Beaston, who keeps on running and gets about 22 yards. Dammit. Come on, you banshees!!

1st and 10 from the Dallas 24 – Quick pass outside to Arrington, Zach Thomas badly forgets how to tackle, and Arrington sprints ahead for ANOTHER first down.

1st and 10 from the 14 – Swing pass to Hightower for 4. This is not pleasing to my senses.

2nd and 6 – Wow, nice play by the Cowboys, but we were offsides. Jesus sweet lord brisket. What the hell is wrong with us??

2nd and 1 – Fade to Fitz, and fuck is that guy good. TD Cards. But wait, we're not sure he got both feet it, and so Wade does his waddle dance and throws the challenge flag. Man, it's close. I don't think they'll overturn it. Troy thinks they will.
HOLY SHIT, THEY OVERTURNED IT!!!!! WOW, Troy knows all. I cannot believe all the breaks we're getting! Wipe that cream off your face and stop bitching, Lady Fate! You belong to us!

3rd and 1 – Hightower plows ahead, for a first down, but not a TD. So now it's 1st and Goal. And Dick Stockton is a confused old man.

1st and Goal – Warner with another fade to Fitz, and this time he catches it and keeps both feet in bounds. Touchdown Cardinals. There's really nothing Pacman can do there. Fitz is tall, and Pacman can't shoot him in the abdomen without violating his probation.


14-14 with 3:21 left in the 3rd quarter.


WOW! The CARDS TRY ON ONSIDE KICK, but the Cowboys recover. Why would they do that? They're not even losing!!!!


1st and 10 Cowboys from the AZ 46 – Marion Barber breaks two tackles and busts up and out of bounds for 9. BARBERIAN!

2nd and 1 – End around to Owens, who finds his way for about 5 yards and a first down!

1st and 10 from the 32 – Romo gets hit has he throws, and it sails behind Barber. Our offensive line will not get fruit cups after the game.

2nd and 10 – Barber runs directly into a run blitz. No gain. I don't care what this officiating crew thinks, I find it in poor taste to allow the Cardinals defense to have 19 players on the field every play.

[Felix Jones hurt his hammy, and his return is questionable. Well good.]

3rd and 9 – Shotgun snap bounces off of Romo's hands! He gets it back, but then he's sacked!! And the sack pushes us OUT OF FIELD GOAL RANGE.
THIS GAME IS THE WORST OF ALL TIME. Romo looks like he completely forgot how to play football. This is the worst he's ever looked. Not kidding.
So because of Romo's butterfingers, now we have to punt… Done.


1st and 10 Cards from their own 11 – Pass to Fitz blah blah blah it doesn't even matter b/c there's an illegal formation. Troy wants to kick everyone's ass that's on the field. This complete lack of discipline has saddened him to the core.

1st and 15 – FUCKING HELL! Perfect pass from Warner to Beaston, who catches it for 17 yards. First down.


And that's the END OF THE 3rd QUARTER – tied, 14-14


1st and 10 Cards – Warner gets DESTROYED as he throws it deep, but Fitz makes and amazing catch between two Cowboys. Henry's been beaten 2 straight plays now. Fuck me in the goat ass.

1st and 10 from the Cowboys 38 – Beaston with another catch and another 9 or 10 yards. Who the hell is this team wearing white, and what have they done with the Cowboys? They are terrrrrrrrible.

2nd and inches – Edge gets the first down, and about 6 more yards, for good measure. Wade really looks confused. THIS IS YOUR TEAM, FATASS!! DO SOMETHING!!

1st and 10 from the Dallas 21 – Edge runs for about 3.

2nd and 7 – Warner spins left, spins right, and throws it up the middle for a gain of about 6. I made that sound a lot crazier than it was. But just imagine it the way I wrote it. It's more fun that way.

3rd and 1 – Handoff Hightower and he gets the first down. Dammit. But you know what? The Cowboys deserve to lose after this awful display.

1st and 10 from the 10 – Warner passes, Touchdown, Beaston. Henry beaten badly again. Fucking Christ. Aikman said Henry looked lost when the ball was snapped. Great. I'm glad he's our starting cornerback.


21-14 CARDINALS with 10:44 left in the 4th


Miles Austin with a nice return, but he's taken down by Rackers. Dude, you never let the kicker tackle you. The Cowboys have all got shitbuckets. Tons of shitbuckets.

[Um, what the fuck is this? As if this game couldn't get worse, we come back from commercial and are greeted with video of Jerry yucking it up with the Jonas Brothers on the field before the game. Holy Christ, it appears the Jonas Brothers will be performing the halftime show at the Thanksgiving Day game!! Go ahead and just kill me now.]

1st and 10 Cowboys from their own 33 – Romo's chased and he had to dump it off to Barber, who has to dive headfirst just to get back to the line of scrimmage. Yipes.

2nd and 10 – Handoff Barber, and there are 4 Cardinals waiting with torches and pitchforks for him the backfield. What the hell???

3rd and 12 – Screen to Barber. Screen to Barber, and there were about 4 Cardinals around. Seriously, what the hell??? We do have other players. I think.

Punt, and of course there's a penalty on the return. Blocking in the back, I'm sure. WAIT, IT'S ON THE COWBOYS?!?!?!?! WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU BLOCK ANYONE IN THE BACK WHEN YOU'RE PUNTING????? This is the worst I've seen the Cowboys look in years. And yes, that statement includes Parcells' clearly identifiable man-breasts.


1st and 10 Cards from their own 34 – Nice(ish)… WR screen, and D-Ware stops him after 3 yards.

2nd and 7 – Swing pass to Hightower, and he gets about 5… fucking hell. Here we go again.

3rd and 2 – FALSE START!! THANK THE HEAVENS!!! The white receiver moved early!! To be fair, he probably needed a head start.

3rd and 7 – FUCK!!!! We brought the house, pressured Warner, hit him right when he threw, but he still threw a PERFECT pass to Fitz, who of course caught it. It was actually good coverage by Pacman. Damn.

1st and 10 from the Cowboys 41 – Fucking 6 yards for fucking Hightower. I cannot believe this.

2nd and 3 – Warner smashed as he threw again, and AGAIN HE SOMEHOW COMPLETES IT TO FITZ who somehow keeps his feet in!! I'd like a cyanide cocktail, please.

1st and 10 – Run for 2 by someone.

2nd and 8 – Short pass complete to Beaston, and Zach Thomas lays a kill hit on him.

3rd and 4 – Warner SAKCED…FUMBLE!! No, now they're saying incomplete pass. I told you I hated that tuck rule. Fuck. Now the Cards can attempt an FG.

OHHHHHHHH FUCK. And now Ratliff is hurt. Not getting up. Commercial…
We're back… I guess Ratliff is off the field…

And Rackers nails the FG. Damn damn damn.


24-14 CARDS with 3:17 left in the game. The Cowboys suck balls.


Kickoff, Austin down at the 23. That means Felix Jones is still hurt. Wonderful.

1st and 10 Cowboys from their own 23 – Pass to Witten underneath caught. Great, that's what we need – 7 yards and tackled in bounds.

Wow, we suck…. Why am I even keeping this commentary anymore? It's all the same. A few yards, here, a few yards there, a penalty, Romo sucks, and few more yards, and the game's over.

1st and 20 – Romo goes deeeeeeeep for Austin, but it's overthrown.

2nd and 20 – Cards are offsides. Yay, 5 yards the easy way.

2nd and 15 – WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT???????
HOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY SHIT!!!! MARION BARBER JUST TOOK A DUMPOFF AND RAN IT ALL THE WAY INTO THE ENDZONE!!! He took a dumpoff, and initially just wanted to get out of bounds after a couple yards; but he saw a little opening and cut up and then just kept running!!! T.O. and Hurd made a couple of great blocks to spring him, and he was gone!!!! TOUCHDOWN COWBOYS!!!
YOU CAN COME UP AND HAND IN YOUR SHITBUCKET, MARION!!! YOU, SIR, HAVE REGAINED YOUR PLACE AS THE GREATEST BARBERIAN IN THE LAND!!!


24-21 CARDS – 2-minute warning


However, it seems there was a penalty after the touchdown on Big Leonard Davis for taunting. We can't onside kick now, because of that fucking penalty. Leonard Davis, what the hell is wrong with you?


Kickoff, some asshole for the Cards is tackled by Barbie Carpenter. On accident, I'm sure.

[Haha, Troy just said this about a safety who failed to tackle Barber on the touchdown: "He just continuously continues to take bad angles." We didn't draft Troy for his syntax.]

1st and 10 Cardinals from their own 35- No gain on the first play.
Timeout Cowboys.

2nd and 9 – D-WARE savagely takes down Hightower, who could have gotten the first down. Still got 2, but that's all. Holy God, this game is insane!
Timeout Cowboys.

If the Cards convert here, game over….

3rd and 7 – SACK, D-WARE!!!!! They left him unblocked to run a screen, and Ware crushed Warner and yelled "WHO'S YOUR GOD NOW, KURTIS?!?!"

Now the Cardinals are gonna have to punt, but they let the clock go down to 1:01.

Punt goes to about the 25. Oh man, Pacman almost broke it on the return, but instead returns it to the 32.


Here we go…

1st and 10 Cowboys from the 32 – FUCKING HELL. Romo's chased, flag goes down, and of course there's a holding call. Of course there is. On Leonard Davis. Your fat ass is eating nothing but sticks out of a trough this week, Leonard. Our offensive line has sucked butt today.

1st and 20 – Short pass to Barber, who has to run across the whole field to get out of bounds. 4 yards. Hmm, there was a lack of magic on that play.

2nd and 16 – Romo's pass is tipped away by the safety Wilson for the Cards… dammit, it looked like a sure thing to Crayton, but Wilson jumped in and knocked it away at the last second.

3rd and 16 – Pass underneath to Witten, but there's a flag. CARDS WERE OFFSIDES!!! Romo's so smart for knowing that. But still, he shoulda tried to go deep.

22 seconds left. Romo's talking to the ref, something's going on… Wade looks confused, as always. Twinkies are falling out of his back pocket. I have no idea what's going on, but whatever it was has been figured out.

3rd and 11 – HOLY SHIT!!! CAUGHT BY WITTEN AT THE CARDINALS 40!!
But he couldn't get OB… so the Cowboys have to run it up and spike it!! And they do, with 3 seconds left!! At the 40! HOLY CRAP!! Nick Folk will get a chance to tie it with an FG!!

But wait…Apparently there was a Cardinal hurt on the Witten catch, and he couldn't get up and so he was behind the line of scrimmage when the spike was snapped, and so the Cowboys might get an extra 5 yards!! Everyone's on the field talking to officials…it's pandemonium! Both coaches are on the field talking to officials, players are everywhere talking to other officials. Troy says it seems like the refs have no idea what to do here.
Okay, here's the call. HOLY SHIT – they are saying the injured guy was offsides!!! I think Troy's right… I don't think the officials have any clue what they're supposed to do in this situation. The ref has the same look Wade gets when Pacman talks to him.

WHAT??? Now the Cowboys are running a play?? Still from the 40?? Why didn't they get 5 yards for the offsides??? Why are they running a play?? WHAT IS GOING ON????

Hahaha, ok, no play was run, and now the game is stopped down again, and everyone's talking to the officials again. In real time, it's now been about almost 10 minutes since Witten made his catch at the Cards' 40.

Ok, the refs just said the Cowboys get it on the 35; and now the Cowboys are trying a FG. Holy shit, this has been the most insane game of all time!

Hahahaha, and now the booth is reviewing the play??? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON??? As Troy is saying, you can't review and see if a guy's injured! This is CRAZY!! Ok, the ref finally says we're good to go.

Here we go….

Aaaaaand…The KICK IS BLOCKED, but wait… the CARDINALS CALLED TIMEOUT!!! HOLY GOD, THIS GAME HAS EVERY-FREAKING-THING. Hahaha, I don't know if the timeout made the Cowboys relax or whatever, but the Cards didn't know their coach had called timeout and went all out, and blocked the kick. But their coach did call timeout, so the Cardinals can suck it. Whisenhunt can suck it. That sounds funny to me.

Ok, Nick Folk lining up again….

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand IT'S GOOD!!!! IT'S GOOD!! IT'S GOOD!!! That poor injured guy who was offsides cost the Cardinals the win!!! At least, he cost them the win in regulation!! That doesn't seem right! Poor bastard! Oh well!


At the End of Regulation, it's 24-24.
OVERTIME, BABY!!!


The Cowboys win the toss!! Holy crap, I kinda feel bad for the Cardinals. Oh well.

Miles Austin returns the kick to the 22.


1st and 10 Cowboys from the 22 – HOLY CRAP!!! Romo gets chased, sacked, fumbles, and falls on top. There are the Cowboys I've grown to know for the last 3 hours. Who needs blocking? Or any sort of coherent offensive gameplan?

2nd and 18 – Romo's pass short-hops Owens. Romo got crunk again. He's gonna be sore tomorrow, and not just emotionally.

3rd and 18 – Romo tries to hit TO, who was just standing WIDE OPEN for a first down, and Romo's throw is about 7 yards off. Jesus Christ, what the hell is wrong with this team? I realize I've been asking that for about 3-and-a-half hours, but you think they'd right the ship at some point.

Ok, so here comes the punt… McBriar's at about his own 5.

The punt is BLOCKED!!! HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!! Cardinals recover in the end zone!! TOUCHDOWN CARDINALS! Oh my God, that's it. There's your ballgame. Well, crap.


CARDINALS WIN, 30-24


Could this game have ended any other way?? I can't say I'm that pissed, because the Cowboys didn't deserve to win this game at all. They played terribly, and they needed to have their flaws exposed. Well, there they are, world. Enjoy.