Cowboys-Bengals running commentary will melt your face

And we’re live, 3:10 pm! I’m making gumbo, so I’m gonna try to eat, and watch the Cowboys , AND give you commentary as we start.

The CBS NFL people are sending it to Dallas. Huzzah!

The Redskins beat the Eagles (the Skins are 4-1!) and the Giants fucking destroyed the Seahawks. So the Cowboys would like to win this game, thank you.

And holy crap, the Texans might have just lost in the most heartbreaking way ever. They were leading the Colts 27-10 with 5 minutes left, and then they turned into Apple Dumplin Gang and turned it over 3 straight times. And the Colts ended up winning 31-27. You need to read the game story or watch the highlights. If I were a Texans fan, I think I’d spoon out my eyes.

Man, I don’t know how I’m gonna do this for the whole game. God, 3 hours of CBS promos? Shoot me. I’d like to round kick Mark Harmon for a few hours and then rip that dead sugarglider off his head.

What’s going on? They said welcome to the following presentation of the NFL, and then they took us to commercials. Goddamn commercials. I’m telling you right now, I’m not really feeling this live commentary thing, but I promised you, so I’ll just have to fight through it.

And now we’re looking live into Texas Stadium. Jim Nantz and Phil Sims will bring us the call this afternoon. Ugh. Maybe I can pull up the live radio feed online. Let’s see. Nope.

Ok, Cowboys have won the toss, and have elected to kick. They wanna receive in the 2^nd half. Sounds good.

Nanztz says the 0-4 Bengals really believe they can win this week. That’s cute. Of course, the Bengals are all insane criminals, so they can convince themselves of anything.

First play, Bengals from their own 22…. Pass bounces off the receiver, and it’s INTERCEPTED BY GREG ELLIS!!!! HOLY SHIT!! First play of the game. Amazing! That’s the Cowboys’ first interception of the entire season. And of course, it’s by our defensive end. Ellis made me happy.

Right now the game is paused, as my old roommate/friend Mike is here packing up and leaving. He moved to Chicago a month ago and was in town for the weekend. We just talked about money and roommate stuff, and we’ve all come to an agreement. It’s a nice thing. Aaaaaaaaaaaaand now he’s gone. It was good to talk to him. He’s working his ass off. He deserves to succeed with this thing. I deserve to succeed with this gumbo. And I think I will.

Anyway, we’ve had 2 runs to Barber for a total of 3 yards.

3^rd and 5 – Romo passes…. And just out of the reach of the TE Bennett. Damn. Not a great pass from Romo. Oh well.

Folk’s FG is GOOD – and with that, after 2 minutes, it’s 3-0 Cowboys. Woulda been nice to get a TD, but I’d rather start off the way the Cowboys did than the way the Bengals did.

Dude, stuffed crust pizza makes me want to vomit all over my shoes. Pizza Hut can go suck it. Why don’t you make better pizzas, instead of stupider pizzas? Here’s our first CBS ad… wtf is this? Cold Case. They’re all the same on this network.

3-0 Cowboys

And we’re back… The cheerleaders are shaking their asses. Always good.

Ooooooh, kick return coulda been bad, but Burnet tripped him up at the 20. I think that deserves a fist pump.

Yikes, our secondary’s a little sketchy today. Newman’s inactive (groin still hurt), and Roy Williams’ backup is now hurt too. So Pacman’s starting in Newman’s spot, and Keith Davis starting at SS. A little scary, considering what this passing attack is capable of.

Ok, 1^st and 10 Bengals from their own 22. HAHAHAHA, and a false start on the Bengals. This offense doesn’t seem to have had their Wheaties today. Well, more likely, they’re probably all on meth.

1^st and 15 – Run by Chris Perry for about 5. The Bengals also signed Ced Benson this week. Former UT running back. Loves drinking and boating, and drinking and driving. Doesn’t seem to enjoy being a good football player. Look him up. He sucks.

2^nd and 10 – Pass batted down!! Spears speared it. Nice work, Marcus.

3^rd and 10 – Pass to Housh BROKEN UP! No, they gave him the catch… it landed in his hands. Weird. But it’s short of a first down anyway, and here comes the punter.

Pacman returns the punt, but not well. Roughly 23 Bengals tackle him for a loss of 3.

GUMBO TIME! This is some good shit. Holy crap, this little dog i'm sitting is driving me nuts.

Ok, 1^st and 10 Cowboys from their own 26… Toss right to Barber, followed his blocks and goes OB after a gain of maybe 3.

2^nd and 7 – Another handoff to Barber, met by a dude at the line, pushes through for another 3.

3^rd and 4 – Romo pulls a Linus and finds his security blanket, Mr. Jason Witten. Nice. Gain of 6. FIRST DOWN.

1^st and 10 – Pass to FELIX, and the old man bumped OB after 6.

2^nd and 4 – Handoff to Barber for about 3.

3^rd and 1 – Barber, through EVERYONE and keeps going for about 16 yards. Nice block by TO.

1^st and 10 from the Bengal 38… Romo overthrows Cricket. .. he was WIDE OPEN in the flat. WTF is wrong with Romo? Jim Nantz just told us that was Romo’s 1000^th pass attempt in the NFL. I don’t really care.

2^nd and 10 – FALSE START Columbo. Oh well. 2^nd and 15 – Screen to Witten, but the Bengals play good D, and he only gets 2. Come on, offense; the Bengals SUCK.

3^rd and 13 – Cowboys haven’t completed a pass to a WR so far. Pass to T.O. CAUGHT, but he tries to make a move to get the first down, but falls and is 3 yards short. That was apparently T.O.’s 900^th career catch. Wow, Jim Nantz is just full of numbers I could care less about. I’m now breathlessly waiting for Andre Gurode’s 500^th career snap.

AND WE’RE GOING FOR IT!! Nice.

4^th and 4 – HOLY SHIT TOUCHDOWN FELIX JONES!!!!!!! They pitched it right, and he ran around a HUGE Columbo block and down the sidelines 33 yards for a TD!!! I am officially in love with Felix Jones. That is one fast old man.

Also, in case you’re wondering, my gumbo is very, very good. I wonder if Jim Nantz knows how many times I’ve made it before. I may have to call and ask him.

Cowboys 10-0 midway through the first quarter

ANOTHER KICK RETURN to the 22 – So far, the Bengals have started at the 22 both times, and neither time has it been very good for them. Here’s hoping for a D-Ware body-snapping of Carson Palmer. I don’t think that’s what Palmer wants. But you never know.

1^st and 10 Bengals – 9 yard pass to Housh.

2^nd and 1 – Run to Perry for 5 yards.

[Wow, Matt Cassel deep to Randy Moss for a TD. 7-7 Pats/Niners.]

1^st and 10 Bengals – Ooooooooh, Henry badly interfered with Chad Ocho Cinco. Only about a 5 yard pentaly, but automatic first down.

1^st and 10 at their own 40 – Another good pass, this one for 11. Damn, I really hope the secondary can play well today.

1^st and 10 from midfield – Ooooooooooh, Bradie James blitzes and takes down the running back 3 yards in the backfield. Bradie James will smack your grandmother if you’re not careful.

Now a False Start, as the noted felon Chris Henry moves too early.

2^nd and 18 – Pass over the head of a tight end.

3^rd and 18 – Pass to Ocho Cinco incomplete. Pacman was close enough. Huzzah!

PUNT! Bengals down it at the 2. Nice kick, but that just means Romo can pad his stats a little more. Hahahaha, except that the Bengals player who touched the ball first had gone out of bounds, which is not legal, and so it’s a touchback and the Cowboys get it at the 20. Man, these criminals in the orange and black are terrible football players. Good thing they still have their day jobs, stealing cars and beating up women.

1^st and 10 Cowboys from the 20 – Oh man, Barber for 16!! They keep running these misdirection runs, and Barber has HUGE holes to run through.

1^st and 10 from the 36 – another run by Barber, this one not nearly as good. Loss of 1.

2^nd and 11 – Shotgun, 4 receivers – Romo with a BEAUTIFUL throw to Witten up the seam. He just dropped it over the defender right into Witten’s arms. Witten nestled it like a little birdie tight to his bosom.

1^st and 10 from the Bengal 36 – Reverse to T.O., and he runs around the right side for 8. I’m not sure the Bengals are good at football.

2^nd and 2 – Run up the middle to Felix, about 5 yards, First Down.

And that’s the END OF THE FIRST QUARTER. COWBOYS 10, BENGALS 0. Good things, good things.

Btw, I’m slightly behind, so I’m able to fast forward through all the commercials. Which is a nice thing – looks like a missed a Viagra one, a Pizza Hut one, and about 8 promos for Mark Harmon’s dying-ferret hairdo.

1^st and 10 for the Cowboys from the Bengal 18 – Delayed handoff to Felix. Holy god is he fast, and the Cowboy running backs have HUGE holes. 8 yards.

2^nd and 2 – Another pitch to Felix, and he gets another 6 yards before anyone even touches him. 9 yards total. For a little old man, he's got some power. Goodness, the Cowboys already over 100 yards rushing.

1^st and GOAL from the 8 – Oooh, inside handoff to Cricket! That’s fun, and he gets about 3 yards.

2^nd and GOAL from the 5 – Barber with a full head of steam, but doesn’t get much. Only about 2. Man, the Bengals run D is either really good or really bad, depending on the play.

3^rd and Goal from the 4 – Romo ALLLLL DAY, and finds Witten in the back of the endzone. TOUCHDOWN COWBOYS!! Anyone who picked Witten for their fantasy teams is a genius. I did not. Oh well, I tend to curse TE’s anyway. I have no idea how my team’s doing. But I don’t think it’s very well. I’m not looking at scores, because I’m typing this, and I’m slightly behind. Just like when I make love.

We’re back, and Jim Nantz just said that Jason Witten was “chillaxin’” on the Cowboys bench. Seriously, he said it. I have the proof. I have no idea what to make to that. Next time I half-expect him to tell me that Witten was chillaxin on the bench for the 25^th time in his career.

Nice return by the Bengals. 1^st and 10 for them on the Cowboy 48 – Ced Benson runs for 7 yards, and he didn’t seem drunk at all. Good for him.

2^nd and 3 – This will only be the 3^rd play for the Bengals in Dallas territory. Short run for Benson. Still seems sober.

[Loooooooooooong pass to Lee Evans of the Bills for a TD – 14-7 Cards in that game. I thought about picking Evans last night. Oh well. I think Fitz has a TD too.]

Timeout Cowboys before 3^rd and 1. I think Wade Phillips needed a milkshake and didn’t wanna miss any of the action. Cowboys doubling the Bengals in time of possession.

3^rd and 1 - Pitch to Benson, nice run following blockers, gets 3 for the First Down.

1^st and 10 Bengals from the Cowboys 37 – Jesus, Benson with another carry, breaks a tackle at the line, and gets 10 yards. Maybe he is drunk, because he NEVER ran this well sober.

1^st and 10 again, now from the 27 – Benson again, this time for 3. Apparently, the Bengals have adjusted their gameplan: “NO ONE BUT CEDRIC TOUCHES THE BALL.”

2^nd and 8 – ANOTHER RUN TO CED, but the D plays nice, and escorts him to the ground after 2 yards.

3^rd and 6 – Palmer with pressure… scrambling… puts it up and IT’S CAUGHT ALONG THE SIDELINES AT THE 1!!! WTF??? Dude, I don’t think he caught that!! He never got his second foot in!
Wade sets his milkshake down, waddles down the sidelines a bit, and throws the challenge flag…the officials will review the catch while I watch 17 promos for more terrible television programming. Wow, it’s close, but I don’t think he got his second foot in. THE REF AGREES!! And it’s 4^th and 6 from the 23.

41 yard FG attempt by Shane Graham is…. Perfect. YAY, Shane Graham gets his fruit cup now! That’s gotta feel nice.

Cowboys 10-3 halfway through the second quarter

Bengals kick off, and Felix decides to take it easy on the boys from Cincinatti, and he takes a knee.

1^st and 10 Cowboys from the 20 – Romo with a pass that hits the feet of Tony Curtis. Um, Tony? Whenever you want to stop doing this Drew Bledsoe impression would be fine with me.

2^nd and 10 – Run to Barber, who bangs ahead for 2.

3^rd and 8 – And of course, Romo finds Witten for 10. It’s like clockwork. Do we even need to go through to motions with these third downs anymore? Hmmm, now there’s a flag down. Personal foul on Gurode, for jumping on the pile at the end of the play… really? Wtf? I think that’s pretty lame of the refs. Gurode did it playfully, like he was 7 and that pile of massive bodies was a pile of leaves. He was just celebrating his 500^th snap! Stupid refs. Anyway, we still get to keep our first down, just about 15 yards farther back. Phil Sims says he was just trying to be aggressive. I think Phil’s watching Gossip Girl.

1^st and 10 from the 17 – Delay draw to Felix for about 3, but there’s a flag. Defensive holding! Sweet! I don’t know why a defensive person would hold on a running play, but these Bengals don’t seem to know football very well. I’ll take it!

1^st and 10 from the 25 – Pitch to Felix, and good god he’s fast. Up the left sideline for about 9.

2^nd and 1 – Pass to Witten along the sidelines… he catches it, but was not in bounds. Not a great throw by Romo, but there were people in his face.

3^rd and 1 – Handoff Barber, and Bengals in the backfield AGAIN. Dammit!! Barber stopped for no gain.

First punt for everyone’s favorite Aussie Cowboy, Mat McBriar. Niiiiiiiice kick, but the Cowboys can’t contain it, and it’s into the endzone for a touchback.

1^st and 10 Bengals from the 20 – Ohhhhhhhhhhh, Pass over the middle ALMOST intercepted!! Bounced right off of Ken Hamlin’s hands. Oh well.

2^nd and 10 – Short pass over the middle dropped by Housh. Zach Thomas decided to say hello to Housh by destroying his back with his shoulderpads. That Zach’s a nice fellow.

3^rd and 10 – Damn, nice pass to Chatman for a first down. Went across the middle for 18.

1^st and 10 – Demarcus Ware has had enough of your silly running attempts, and he forces Chris Perry OB after no gain.

2^nd and 10 – Another run to Perry, this time up the middle, and he gets 5.

3^rd and 5 – Haha, Palmer throws a perfect pass to a coach standing on the sidelines. Seems like Palmer wanted interference, but he didn’t get it. Probably because he’s a douche.

PUNT, and Pacman with a good return, up to about the 28.

Wow, apparently the Bengals were the last visiting team to score 50 pts at Texas Stadium. They did it in 1985 and beat the Cowboys 50-24. Boomer Esiason was the Bengal QB then. Are you familiar with Boomer? He’s on CBS now. He used to be my favorite player. And that was Bengals history talk.

1^st and 10 Cowboys from their own 28 – Romo checks down to Barber, and he gets about 1. This offense is struggling to stay in rhythm.

2^nd and 8 – Nice run off left tackle for Barber for 6, but he gets SMASHED. I think it looked worse than it was.

2-MINUTE WARNING. Hooray for DVR!!

Yayayaya, Pat Sumerall’s in attendance. I love that man. Almost as much as he loved booze.

Ok, 3^rd and 2 – Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh shit. Jesus, what a crazy play. And it was not good. Romo scrambled up the middle, got the first down, but the ball was stripped from behind, and the Bengals recovered and returned it for a bit, TO missed a tackle, and then Barber finally got him down but grabbed the dude’s facemask while he tackled him. Shit. Tack another 15 yards onto that.

Oh, but the booth is gonna review this. Romo’s knee might have been down! Let’s hope so. We don’t need to give the Bengals any sort of momentum going into halftime. Let’s look at the replay. Damn, yeah, it looks like a fumble to me. Fucking hell. Yup, the ruling on the field stands.

Jesus, Tony, wha happan??

Ok, 1^st and 10 Bengals from the COWBOY 29 – Jesus, Palmer throws to a wiiide open receiver who gets OB after a gain of 9.

2^nd and 1 – Another completion, first down. The Cowboys have not been getting much pressure at all on Palmer. I’m guessing they’re not blitzing b/c their secondary is vulnerable, but their front four hasn’t really put much pressure at all on Palmer. I hope Ware drinks some kill juice at halftime.

1^st and 10 from the 17 – HOLY SHIT. Run right up the middle all the way to the endzone. TD Bengals. OH, BUT THERE’S A FLAG. HOLDING ON HOUSH!!!!They may as well call him Douchemanzadah. Wow, that didn’t look like that much of a hold. Oh well!!! Who cares!! NOT ME!

1^st and 10 Bengals from the 17 again – Pass complete for about 4. Timeout Bengals. 50 seconds left.

2^nd and 6 – Finally a little pressure on Palmer, and he overthrows his receiver. Nice coverage by Pacman.

3^rd and 6 – MORE PRESSURE, and Palmer overthrows his running back again!! YAYAY, we’re gonna hold them to an FG attempt. Will Shane Graham earn a second fruit cup?

30 yard FG attempt is… good. Shane gets his fruit cup.

17-6 Cowboys with 34 seconds left in the first half

The Cowboys now have 34 seconds. I’m guessing they’ll just take a knee. Wade probably needs some Gas-X at this point. He doesn’t have time for the Cowboys to be running plays.

Felix will take another knee in the endzone.

1^st and 10 Cowboys from their 20 – Well, they’re lining up to run a real play. Wade looks pissed. Handoff to Barber, who gets a couple. Clock runs out, and that’s the end of the half. Some fans are booing. WTF? The Cowboys are up by 11, and they’ll destroy the Bengals in the second half. Fucking halfwits.

My ass hurts from sitting in the same damn position for an hour and a half. I gotta get up and walk around…
Well, I walked around for about 5 minutes. But I fast-forwarded, and now we’re about to start the second half.

Felix Jones returns the opening kick to the 22. Roommate Chad just got home. We’ll see if he gets annoyed by my stopping and starting the game constantly. (Note: He didn’t.)

1^st and 10 – Romo with ANOTHER PASS TO THE GROUND. Crayton said he caught it. The refs said he didn’t.

2^nd and 10 – Pitch to Barber, and MORE BENGALS IN THE BACKFIELD!! Did Wade and the other coaches talk about anything at halftime?? Did we make any fucking adjustments?? I am not impressed thus far.

3^rd and 13 – Romo has time, throws to Witten, but only an 8 yard catch. Um, seriously… anytime you guys want to start playing well for real would be great.

McBriar punts, the Bengals return blah blah blah… let’s FF through these ads.

1^st and 10 for the Bengals from their own 28 – Pass to someone is caught, but D-Ware decided to crush him. Gain of 1. I support that decision by Demarcus.

2^nd and 9 – Nice run up the middle for 8. Good god, THESE ARE THE BENGALS!!! Wtf, Cowboys?!

3^rd and 1 – Short pass over the middle for a first down. Ugh. And I’ll say it again. Ugh.

1^st and 10 from the 46 – Handoff, and D-Ware most definitely drank his kill juice at the half. Stops him for a loss of 2. Good work, big man.

2^nd and 12 – ANOTHER COMPLETION, and he stretches for the first down! Dude, I’m starting to get a little peeved.

1^st and 10 from the Cowboy 44 – FUCK!!!! OFFSIDES on Tank Johnson. Good god, we look terrrrrrrible in this second half.

1^st and 5 – Handoff up the middle for 5 fucking yards! Jesus Holy Taco! WTF?

1^st and 10 from the 34 – AWWWWWWWWWWWWW DAMMIT!!! The receiver cut right, Palmer threw it left, Pacman read it right, and let the pass go through his hands!! DAMMIT. So close.

2^nd and 10 – Holy god. Ocho Cinco wide open, and another 15 yard gain.

1^st and 10 from the 19 – Run up the middle for 2. Man, the Bengals look like an all-star team right now. They are in some kind of rhythm. I envy their rhythm.

2^nd and 9 – Palmer going deep for his RB in the endzone…. He has him… but thrown just a little too far, and the RB can’t quite make a circus catch! THANK GOD!

3^rd and 9 – FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!! Housh was WIDE OPEN, and Palmer threw it to him at the 5, and he just waltzed into the endzone. Touchdown Bengals. Mother-shitter! Son of an ass-fuck!
Those are the first points the Bengals have scored in the 3^rd quarter ALL SEASON. Good. Good.

17-13 Cowboys

Miles Austin returns the kick to the 24. “Tony Romo and the Cowboys find themselves in a game,” says Jim Nantz. Well, shit.

Viva Viagra! I hate TV. On the bright side, I haven’t seen a single truck commercial yet. GIVE ME SOME WOOD TO KNOCK ON!!! QUICK!! PLEASE!!! Dammit!! Too late. Here’s a commercial for Jeep. Kill me now.

1^st and 10 Cowboys from the 24 – Handoff to Barber, kills and shakes and kills for 5 yards.

2^nd and 5 – Um, Romo throws it into the ground up the middle. There was pressure, and Romo had to get rid of it. Fucking shit.

3^rd and 5 – NICE!!! Guess who?! Witten catches over the middle for a first down. They blitzed, and Barber with a HUGE block, Romo got rid of it and it worked.

1^st and 10 from the 43 – Romo steps up and throws long down the middle… WTF??? Underthrown, Crayton still shoulda had it, and he dropped it. HOLY CRAP! TERRIBLE THROW, but CRAYTON SHOULD HAVE CAUGHT IT. What is wrong with them?? Jesus Christ. They're all playing like they drank jugs of buttermilk at halftime!!
The Cowboy wide receivers have a grand total of one (one!!!) catch this afternoon.

2^nd and 10 – Barber up the middle for maybe 2. Ugh.

3^rd and 8 – Fucking hell. Romo under pressure, threw it sidearmed to Witten, throw was off, and Witten was covered anyway.
Jesus, we have to punt again. Our D better step the hell up.

McBriar punts, Cowboys down it at the 7. Good start.

1^st and 10 Bengals from the 7 – FALSE START!! Good, if we can’t beat them, how about they beat themselves. Half the distance back.

1^st and 14 – Run up the middle, and Zach Thomas destroys Benson. Nice. Benson needs a drink. 2^nd and 13.

2^nd and 13 – Nice, this crowd is raucous….Run to Benson, and Ratliff comes off his block and smacks Benson around. NO GAIN FOR YOU!

3^rd and 13 – Crowd is really really loud… Quick throw, Cowboys D contains the receiver to a gain of only 3.

PUNT! Not a good kick, and the Bengals down at their own 49. Good, good.

1^st and 10 Cowboys from the Bengal 49 – Delayed handoff to Barber, fighting for yards, FUMBLE!! SHIT, holy cow, Flozell Adams ripped it away from the Bengals and settled his giant body over it. Thank god.

2^nd and 7 – Toss to Felix, who literally hops twice over two different defenders and then stiff-arms for 6 yards. Nice run.

3^rd and 1 – Oooh, quick inside handoff to Barber, gets about 4. Nice.

1^st and 10 from the Bengal 35 - Romo looking deep, throws it … INTERCEPTED!! FUCK!!! A nice throw, but they read it perfectly. And the dude jumped way up and caught it at the top of his jump. And THEN he returned it 40 yards to the Cowboys 41!!! Dammit. Dude, this game does NOT have a good feel to it. I can’t even be funny anymore, because I’m so worried about this stupid game. Eight straight games for Romo with an interception. That’s the longest current streak in the league.

1^st and 10 Bengals from the Cowboy 41 – Oh. My. God. Palmer throws to another WIDE OPEN receiver. Ocho Cinco for about 20 yards.

And the clock winds down the end of the 3^rd quarter.
17-13 Cowboys

Start of the 4^th quarter

1^st and 10 Bengals from the 22 – WR screen, but the WR falls down as soon as he catches it. No gain. Good.

2^nd and 10 – Palmer’s pass sails to no one in particular.

3^rd and 10 – Palmer throws short underneath and Burnet breaks it up! Nice. Finally. Good work, defense.

40-yard FG attempt by Graham is…. Good? Really? That looked like the one last week – it went over the upright, and it sure didn’t look good to me. But the refs say it is. Fucking refs. Oh well, Shane Graham gets his 3^rd fruit cup of the game. Fucking good for him.

Cowboys 17-13

OH MY GOD!! The Bengals just did an onside kick and they recovered!!!! Sweet Jesus!! The Cowboys do not seem like they really wore their football pants after halftime.

1^st and 10 Bengals from their own 48 – WR screen to Housh, gets about 6. Good god. If we lose this game, things will not be happy in Cowboyland.

2^nd and 4 – Palmer with ALL FUCKING DAY TO THROW, and he throws it to a wide open Ocho Cinco cutting to the sidelines. First Down.

1^st and 10 from the 37 – Toss to Perry WHO FUMBLES IT!!! COWBOYS RECOVER!!!! HAPPY DAY IN COWBOYLAND!!!! TANK JOHNSON KNOCKED IT LOOSE, AND ANTHONY SPENCER RECOVERED!! I shall eat dinner in the name of Chris Perry this evening.

1^st and 10 Cowboys from their own 40 – Delayed run to Barber who plows into the line and gets about 2. Man, how is their defense playing well? They looked completely autistic for the first few possessions of the game.

2^nd and 8 – Romo, across the deep middle to TO… CAUGHT!!!! AND T.O. OUTRUNS THE DEFENSE, CRAYTON WITH A GREAT BLOCK!!! TOUCHDOWN COWBOYS!!!! THANK YOU, CHRIS PERRY!!! DESSERT WILL BE IN YOUR NAME, AS WELL!!

24-16 Cowboys, just under 12 minutes left in the 4^th quarter.

Holy shit… the Bengals just returned the kick 60 goddamn yards, and it would have been a TD if the greatness of Nick Folk hasn’t tripped him up. And the kick returner is hurt. He hasn’t gotten to his feet yet. I don’t think any of the Bengals are used to running that much at one time. 180 feet is a long way.

1^st and 10 Bengals from the Cowboy 37… it’s still just a one-possession game. We’re only up by 8. Holy hell, why are they so good and yet sooo bad? Anyway, Ced Benson runs it up the middle for about 3.

2^nd and 7 – Good god. Palmer with ALLLLL DAY to throw, and he finds a TE over the middle, and he cuts up for another few yards and a first down.

1^st and 10 Bengals from the 24 – Benson shotguns a beer and carries it ahead for about 2 yards.

2^nd and 8 – They chase Palmer and he scrambles and he STILL FINDS HOUSH ALONG THE SIDELINES FOR A FIRST DOWN CATCH. MOTHERFUCKER!! No, we cannot cover them. And we cannot pressure Palmer. Fuck our defense.

1^st and 10 from the 13 – Run for no gain. Now it’s time for their 2^nd down big play that we’ve become accustomed to.

2^nd and 10 – Perry runs for about 3 yards. That wasn’t so bad.

3^rd and 7 – HOLY SHIT THEY DID IT AGAIN!!! ANOTHER FUCKING TD TO HOUSHMANZADAH! We tried to pressure Palmer, and he just stepped up and fired it to a WIDE OPEN Housh, who again tap-danced into the end zone. Now they get to go for 2. My dear god.

2-pt attempt- OHHHHH, KEITH DAVIS WITH A NICE PLAY!!! They tried to throw a fade to the TE, and Davis knocked it away. Good man, Keith Davis. The Cowboys barely keep their head above water.

24-22 Cowboys with about 7 minutes left in the game.

Felix returns the kick to the 20.
They need a long, time-consuming drive right now. So let’s not pass it 3 times in a row, ok?

1^st and 10 Cowboys from the 20 – DELAY OF FUCKING GAME??? Are you kidding me?? Jesus Christ. How do you undo retardation?

1^st and 15 – Handoff Barber who hits the hole at full speed and roars for about 7 yards.

2^nd and 8 – Romo checks down to Barber over the middle, and the Barberian gets about 5.

3^rd and 3 – Let’s look for someone other than Witten if he’s not open. Romo, can’t find anyone, and he scrambles ahead and gets 4 yards for the first down. Didn’t fumble that time. Thank god.

1^st and 10 from the 31 – Pitch right to Felix, who uses his speed to get around and up for about 7 yards.

2^nd and 8 – Felix Jones misdirection, and he gets the first down and more! AND A HORSECOLLAR TACKLE!! 18-yard gain for Felix, and another 15 on the penalty. Good times, good times.

1^st and 10 from the Bengals 29 – Barber around the right side for about 5 yards. 4 minutes and ticking….

2^nd and 6 – Delayed handoff to Barber, who meets someone at the line, and then he just plows over him and still gets about 3. True Barberian style. He is beastly.

3^rd and 3 – Romo pass complete to... Guess who!? Everyone’s favorite security blanket, Jason Witten!! FIRST DOWN! Everyone who put Witten on their team this week is a goddamn genius!! Nice work. I, as always, can’t pick a tight end to save my life. At least Dallas Clark got me a few points.

1^st and 10 from the 14 – Pitch left to Barber… no gain, but he stayed in bounds. Bengals call time out.

2^nd and 10 – GREAT play-fake by Romo, but the Bengals weren’t fooled, and Romo has to go down a yard behind the line. I don’t think he’s gonna put this tape in his highlight reel.

TWO MINUTE WARNING

3^rd and 10 – HOLY CRAP!!!! CAUGHT BY CRAYTON!! TOUCHDOWN!!! Romo had all day, fired a strike, and it went straight through the hands of Miles Austin and right into Crayton’s hands for the touchdown. Wow. That was awesome. I was a little scared. But now I’m a little happy. And even happier than I can see Cold Case AND The Unit tonight, only on CBS!!!

31-22 Cowboys with 1:52 left.

1^st and 10 Bengals from 26 – Oooh, Pacman almost had an interception. Not really, but he had nice coverage. Whew, 9 point lead. Ok this is pretty much over…Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooh, DEMARCUS WARE SACKS THE SHIT OUT OF PALMER!!! Man, he just threw him to the turf. “I have no use for you being alive or having full use of your legs.” Capitavating theater.

Now the Bengals get a nice throw and catch to Housh. Did anyone have him on their team? He’s been all over the place today.

1^st and 10 from the 48 – Check down to the RB, who gets OB, but he only got about 2 yards.

2^nd and 8 – RATLIFF SACKS PALMER! Poor Carson’s getting the what-little-intelligence-he-has knocked out of him.

Another pass completion, blah blah blah… 25 seconds left.

4^th and 9 – Pacman AGAIN almost picks it, but that’s it. THAT’S YOUR BALLGAME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

Good lord that was not pretty, but it’s a win. The Bengals looked good in the last 3 quarters, but the Cowboys had just enough flashes of brilliance to put them away. And now the players and coaches flood the field; Wade waddles his way out there, as most of the Cowboys duck to make sure they avoid any gunfire.