It started a few years ago, when Spurs Coach Gregg Popovich stopped wearing ties to games. This turn of events, when combined with his exasperated and sad face, made him look like a man on trial whose lawyers were afraid he'd hang himself. And it always seemed that the bigger the game, the more likely it was that Pop had taken his outfit directly off of a Goodwill mannequin.
Popovich is by no means the first coach to stop giving a shit after amassing multiple championships and start dressing like a vagrant. But this year, he's upping the ante. Witness the glory...
"Why yes, I rather enjoyed The Santa Claus. Why do you ask? Say, you gonna finish that bagel in your pocket?"
"Man, I'm tellin ya, it is soo liberating! Soap's just for Jews and nancy-boys. Now you gonna help me get that colored fella's bagel or not?"
Terry Tate, Office Linebacker, seems to be making a triumphant return to my life. Only now, he's broadened his scope from office politics to national politics. Drill baby drill, indeed.
From time to time in this here space, I will be dumping a bunch of links for your perusal and enjoyment. Most will probably be funny (to me); there may be some serious things as well, and maybe even some nudity. I foresee a few posts achieving all three, a rarefied trifecta, indeed. What glorious days those shall be. Punch and pancakes for the masses!
If you're at work, and your bosses put filters on your Internets, I'm terribly sorry. Yours is a life I do not envy. But please, feel free to access WNPB in the comfort of your own home, where pants are optional and a breath heavy with bourbon is encouraged.
And we're live, 3:16 pm, at what should have been called Pink Taco Stadium. Oh well, they'll always have the BOB. University of Phoenix Stadium is looking feisty. Perhaps that's because it's 60% Cowboy fans, and we've been on edge of late.
Nick Folk kicks it off, and … well… fuck. We're already losing. It appears the Cowboys forgot to drink our tackle juice, and some hipster named JJ Arrington ran around and made just about every Cowboy miss him, and then he was in the end zone. Touchdown Cardinals. Wow. Fuck. Wowfuck. Nick Folk had a chance to push him out of bounds, but he decided to do something else seemingly unrelated to tackling, and it didn't work.
If you want a positive from that, at least we kept the Cardinals vaunted offense on the sidelines. Hooray? Larry Fitzgerald enjoys his extra time by rebraiding his hair.
7-0 CARDINALS with 14:51 left in the game.
Kickoff is short, Tony Curtis catches it, and he serenades his way to about 2 yards.
1st and 10 Cowboys from the 32 – Run to Barber, Cardinals in the backfield already, and the Barberian spins his way to about a yard. I'm a little worried about this game. Wade's face seems to be, too… I bet he needs a milkshake. He looks like he was born to have a thick, frothy chocolate drink adorning his face.
2nd and 9 – shotgun – Handoff to Barber… um… there seem to be an inordinate amount of unblocked Cardinals waiting to tackle him so far. No good.
3rd and 7 – Delay of game?? Really, Cowboys?? This is not going well. Romo was in the shotgun, yelling for Gurode to snap it, but Gurode apparently wanted to cradle the ball a little longer. Maybe he has separation issues. Or maybe the football smells of lilacs and chicken soup, and it reminds Gurode of his Great Aunt Lenore. I don't know. Either way, the Cowboys are having issues thus far. Troy just suggested Romo "run up there and kick him [Gurode] in the rear end." Not a bad idea.
3rd and 12 – Romo has time, steps up, throws over the middle, and it falls to the ground. Dick and Troy say it was batted down, but I didn't see that, because the cameraman is apparently an epileptic alcoholic.
McBriar punts, and it's returned by Breaston. Or, as he's known to certain people, BEASTON!
1st and 10 Cardinals from their own 25… False start… good, the Cards can fuck up, too!
1st and 15 – Handoff to Edgerrin James, and he … good lord, he races ahead for 7. Playing football would be a good decision for the Cowboys at this point.
2nd and 7 – Handoff James again, and NICE… this time, we tackle him before he goes forward.
3rd and 7 – Warner has time… throws toward the right sideline, and a diving receiver can't get to it!! Good. Warner and the Cardinals say Pacman interfered, but the refs don't share that sentiment. The replay seems to indicate the Cardinals are right. Oh well, Fuck em. Pacman gon drank to that sheeeyet!
Punt – Pacman has room to run, and then he doesn't have room. It was like he saw a bathroom full of bodyguards all of a sudden.
1st and 10 Cowboys from their own 28 – Pitch left to Barber, and there are MORE Cardinals in the backfield… the Barberian gets about one yard, but not before he's kicked square in the face by a wayward foot.
Arizona calls timeout – probably so they all can put their face-kickin shoes on.
2nd and 9 – Wow, Romo back to pass and he gets sacked. Man, Arizona looks like the best team in the league right now. Troy says Owens and Witten were single-covered. They must have been, because about 19 Cardinals blitzed Romo. Aaaaaaaaaaaand shit… Romo fumbled when he was sacked, but for some reason the refs blew it dead. But now the Cards are challenging… oh wait, no they're not. They can't challenge. We learned that in week 1, when Hocchuli's biceps got in the way of seeing Cutler's fumble. But my god, Romo definitely did fumble. The Cardinals got screwed there. We are not good at football.
3rd and 20 – Romo has time, throws in the direction of Owens along the left sidelines, but it's really not close. Wow. A fan reached for that pass. That's how not close it was.
Punt – Beaston returns it about 10 yards, but there's a flag down. Illegal block on them. I'm glad that the Cardinals seem to be interested in matching us, crap-for-crap.
1st and 10 Cardinals from the 21 – Edge bursts through for 5. Damn, I might have to quit this commentary soon and fly to Arizona and try to help tackle.
2nd and 6 – WR screen to Beaston, and he keeps bouncing off of about 5 Cowboy tackles. Well, poop for him. All that for 1 yard.
3rd and 5 – FUMBLE!!!!!! Warner couldn't handle the snap, then got it back, THEN had it ripped out of his hands, and the Cowboys recovered!!! WOW, both teams suck!! Who can be more inept?!!?!?! It's an inept-off!!
1st and 10 Cowboys from the Arizona 25 – HOLY CRAP!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!? Romo has the ball knocked away from him, and the Cardinals recover!! Jesus Christ – this is the worst the Cowboys have looked in FOREVER. Romo looks like a retarded child out there, and the offensive line appears only to be trying to play pattycake with anyone near them. It seems that the Cowboys have taken a sizeable lead in the battle for most inept.
1st and 10 Cards from their own 28 – Pass complete to Beaston for 16 yards. Um, boo.
1st and 10 from the 44 – James runs right for about 4.
[I have just been informed that Romo is 0-2 with 1 fumble. Good. Good.]
2nd and 6 – James tries to go left, which is not a good idea because D-Ware is waiting to take out some frustrations. He does by making Edge's body wilt to the turf. With ferocity.
3rd and 8 – Warner's pass it batted down by Ratliff!! Jay Ratliff can join my picnic any day! Have some more potato salad, Jay! Mind the ants!
Punt by Dirk Johnson. Out of Bounds. Of course it is. What an insane fucking game. Is it still 7-0 Cards? It feels like this is a scrimmage by autistic middle schoolers.
1st and 10 Cowboys from the 20 – Barber up the middle for nothing. Jesus effing lord. Where did this Cardinals run D come from? We are getting pushed around.
2nd and 10 – Handoff to Barber, and he finds a little daylight and pushes for about 4. Hooray for positive yardage. Happiness is relative at this point.
3rd and 6 – Oh. My. God. Romo throws to a wide open Witten (our 3rd down security blanket) and he fucking dropped it. Like, seriously – perfect pass, and right through his hands. Crapbuckets.
Punt – Short kick, and Beaston returns it to about the 38.
1st and 10 Cards from their 38 – Holy god this game is turning my brain to cheese!!! They Cowboys pressured Warner up the middle, hit him as he threw a deep duck down the left side, and Kenny Hamlin INTERCEPTED it at the 20!!! This game is like one giant, surreal blooper reel.
1st and 10 Cowboys from their own 20 – Romo passes to Witten short up the middle, and holy hell, he held on!! He gets about 8. MORE POSITIVE YARDS.
2nd and 1 – Felix plows through the middle for about 5. FIRST DOWN!
1st and 10 from the 34 – Shotgun – Romo short pass to Crayton on the right, and he gets tripped up after about 6. Ok ok, let's just find some sort of rhythm.
2nd and 4 – Handoff Felix, and he gets about 2. Troy says the Cards are really stacking the line to try to stop the run. No shit.
3rd and 2 – Designed roll to the right, and Romo tries to throw deep to Crayton along the sidelines. He was covered perfectly and the throw was too long anyway. What the fuck are we doing? All we needed was 2. It was third down! Isn't there a better play call that would help sustain a drive? Don't we have the Barberian for a reason? Or couldn't we have used one of our 3 tight ends? This game is making my blood-sugar plummet.
Punt by McBriar, and …hahaha, my goodness… it comes THIS CLOSE to being perfect, but it rolls along the goal line and hits the pylon. Of course it does. Touchback.
1st and 10 Cards from their own 20 – Handoff right to Edge, Cowboys string him along and tackle him for a loss of 2. Oh, but it doesn't matter. Holding on the Cardinals!! YAYAY… He was holding Ratliff. Because Ratliff's a badass. Help yourself to some bean salad, Jay.
1st and 20 – Screen to James, and he gets all the way to the 23…Hahahaha, holy hell, ANOTHER penalty on the Cards. Illegal man downfield.
1st and 25 from the 5 – Wowow… shuttle pass to some dude named Hightower (not the guy from Police Academy) and the Cowboy D plays it well and holds him to about 2 yards. Pacman with a hell of a tackle. Our D actually looks really good.
And that's the end of the first quarter, and we haven't had a single offensive touchdown. And my fantasy team (with Romo and TO today) is in shambles.
After 1 quarter, 7-0 Cards. And those 7 points happened on the opening kick. And yet, that was the most terrifyingly insane 7-0 quarter of football I've ever seen.
SECOND QUARTER
2nd and 23 Cards from their own 7 – D-Ware just destroyed Warner, but he passed it to Fitz just in time, and Fitz got about 10.
3rd and 13 – NIIIIIIIIIIIICE… Pass underneath, and Orlando Scandrick (rookie with a wonderful name) makes a great tackle.
Punt – Pacman with a nice return, but the worst player on the Cowboy roster, Barbie Carpenter, makes an OBVIOUS block in the back, costing us much yardage. Fucking Barbie effing Carpenter. Ruining things for everyone. His own mother makes him eat with the dog.
1st and 10 Cowboys from their own 14 (because of Barbie Carpenter's bitchass) – Nice! Draw to the Barberian, and he races up for about 9.
[Pam Oliver's giant forehead is reporting something.]
2nd and 1 – Barber plows through for 3 and a first down. Thank the heavens. Let's see if we can sustain something here.
[Troy says he's never seen the Cowboys look so terrible for a whole quarter under Romo's stewardship. Awesome.]
1st and 10 – Short dumpoff to Barber over the middle. 6 yards.
2nd and 4 – Barber runs up the middle and drags people with him for 3 yards. He looks possessed right now. I love that look.
3rd and 1 – (We do NOT need a deep pass Jason!) – Nice! Misdirection pitch to Felix for 15… But FUCKING HELL!! We're called for an illegal formation, and we lose 5 yards instead. Of course we do.
3rd and 6 – Swings pass to Barber in the left flat, and he rumbles for about 12 yards. It's like I always say, you must follow the possessed man!!
1st and 10 from the 43 – Barber pushes for about a yard.
2nd and 8 – Romo under crazy pressure, dumped it off to Barber, but he loses 2. Man, is the Cardinals secondary really this good? Romo hasn't come close to completing a pass over 10 yards yet. And he's only attempted about 3. Hahaha, Dick Stockton just said that exact same thing. I don't know if that's awesome or pathetic. Do I really want to be like Dick Stockton? I'll get back to ya on that. I need to rinse off my dentures.
3rd and 10 – Oh. My. God. Pass to Crayton at the sidelines ALMOST intercepted. Should have been, but Crayton knocked it away. Romo looks absolutely awful. I need to start boycotting him again for my fantasy team like I did last season. Because my curse seems to be back. And how!
4th down – … and the Cowboys shittiness is spreading, as McBriar shanks the punt. I think he was feeling left out of the shit party. Welcome, Mat. Please take your nametag and pick up a bucket of shit, and begin throwing it around aimlessly like your teammates have been doing for the last 45 minutes or so.
1st and 10 cards from their own 34 – Handoff to Arrington, and he gets a couple.
2nd and 8 – Warner back to throw, and my goodness, Beaston was WIDE OPEN. There wasn't another player in the camera shot when he caught it. 22 yards. And btw, we're still losing 7-0.
1st and 10 from the Cowboy 41 – Safety blitz, trying to kill Warner, and his throw is behind the receiver. Wow, the receiver should have caught it, but he's white, so we can't expect too much. And in the irony of ironies, they're white receiver's last name is Urban. He's probably a tejano fan.
2nd and 10 – Handoff to James, and SPENCER JUST UNLOADS ON HIM. Wow, that got some ooohs and aaahs. Now let's kill Warner.
3rd and 10 – No pressure, but Warner has to throw it underneath, and it's short of the first down.
Ooh, but they're going for it!
4th and 4 – Shotgun, 4 WR's – FALSE START!!! Hahaha, yayaya, they're just as bad as we are! And now they have to punt.
Punt , and Crayton fair catches it at the 9. 51 yards of offense for the Cowboys so far. Magnificent.
1st and 10 Cowboys from their 9 – Handoff Barber, and he gets roughly .0003 yards. More Cardinals waiting in the backfield for him.
2nd and 9 (generous spot) – HOLY SHIT!!!! WHAT IS ROMO DOING???? The Cards got pressure with four, and Romo kept backpedaling, then he pump-faked, then pulled it in just as he got hit, then he just lost the ball in the end zone!!! I think he dropped it on purpose, so that it would be an incomplete pass instead of a safety, but the refs ruled it a fumble and the Cards recover for a TD!!! HOLY GOD. So now Wade has to waddle himself down the sidelines and throw the challenge flag. And right in the middle of his mac-n-cheese portion of the second quarter. I cannot believe how TERRIBLE we look. If you're still sleeping right now, you've made the right choice. I kinda wish I were doing anything else at the moment. Possibly even an electroshock enema. HOLY CRAP!!!!! THEY REVERSED THE CALL!! They called it a tuck (which it was), and thus an incomplete pass!! I hate that dumb tuck rule, but it just bailed the Cowboys out right there. I guess Romo knew what he was doing, but that was the riskiest shit ever. I hope Jessica Simpson has diarrhea right now.
3rd and 9 from the 10 – WHOA!!! PASS COMPLETE TO CRAYTON ACROSS THE MIDDLE FOR 24!! Caught it on his fingertips. FIRST DOWN!! Romo got smashed. He kinda deserved it. Now wake up, dipshit. (Romo, not you.)
1st and 10 from the 34 – False start! On Columbo. Good god, I'm seriously starting to question Wade Phillips as a coach, as well as a dieter. We're looking worse and worse every week.
1st and 15 – Pass to Tony Curtis for a loss of one. He wasn't singing his way out of that one. (Zing!)
2nd and 11 – Handoff Barber, and he gets yards, but Columbo holds. And the refs call it. That's his 2nd penalty in 2 plays. Wonderful job. Please come forward and pick up your nametag and bucket of shit.
Two-minute warning. I think we should draw up some plays to maybe get something going. But Wade staring at a economy-sized bag of Twizzlers and listening to REO Speedwagon on his headphones.
2nd and 21 – Screen to Barber, and the Barberian gets 20!! An actual good play, and no penalties!! I'm gonna keep on loving you, Marion.
3rd and 2 – Romo under crazy pressure, flips it out to Barber, who fights across the first down line. Gain of 3… FIRST DOWN.
Timeout Cowboys
Cowboys haven't been shut out in a half in 2 years. Awesome. Here we come, history!
1st and 10 – Crayton WIDE OPEN OVER THE MIDDLE…. AND HE HAS BLOCKERS!!! NO ONE'S TOUCHING HIM!!! TOUCHDOWN!!!! 55 YARDS!!! FUCKING FINALLY!! Patrick Crayton, please return your bucket of shit… you need it no longer.
7-7 is now our score with :59 left in the first half.
Kickoff – Pooch kick, and it BOUNCES OFF THE ARIZONA RECEIVER, and there's a scramble for the ball!!.... Who's got it?? COWBOY FOOTBALL!!!!!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? I'm not sure we deserve this, but ooooooookay!!!
I am out of breath, and I haven't said anything in an hour.
1st and 10 Cowboys from the Cards 27 – Romo gets hit as he throws, and just overthrows Miles Austin in the end zone. Man, if Romo doesn't get hit, that's 7.
2nd and 10 – 9 yard pass along the left sidelines complete to Owens! There's almost 1 point for my fantasy team. Nice work, Terrell.
3rd and 1 – Pass incomplete to Owens! WHY WOULD YOU THROW IT?!?!?!?!?! Through traffic?!?! You only need one yard!! You have timeouts!! Troy says the Cowboys rushed that play, and I would have to agree. Argh.
Here comes our FG unit…
36-yard FG attempt by Folk – HE MISSED IT!!! IT CLANKED OFF THE LEFT UPRIGHT!!!! Holy craptastic shitstains, Batman!!! WHAT IS THIS GAME?!!?!? This is like a bizarro game!! I need some Rollaids. This is insane.
That drive was the most pathetic display. We looked like a JV offense. Who's running this offense??? Did some child win a contest and this is his prize??? Is Jason Garrett calling this game with a blindfold on??? Are the coaches trying to run this game in Spanish, in honor of playing in Arizona??? I am insane now.
That's it, we're at HALFTIME. Old roommate Chris is here, telling us about his honeymoon. Just as well. I need some time to regroup.
START OF THE 3RD QUARTER – 7-7
Felix Jones will return the kick, and he will take it to the 21. Let's see if Romo and the Cowboys come out wearing their football underwear.
[Pam Oliver's forehead is staring at me again. It's telling me nothing, and neither is her mouth.]
1st and 10 Cowboys from their own 23 – Run to Barber, who plows ahead for about 3 yards.
2nd and 7 – WOW!! Romo pressured and has to get rid of it… Throws it down the right side toward TO, and TO turns around and makes a nice catch off the ground.
1st and 10 from the 35 – Handoff Barber, and about 17 Cardinals are in the backfield to greet him... Barber makes his way to the sidelines for 2 yards. Moral victory?
2nd and 8 – Quick pass to TO, who fights for a First Down! Taken down by his shoes…
1st and 10 – HOLY CRAP ANOTHER INSANE PLAY!!!! Romo was under pressure, dumped it off to Barber, and he was smashed and lost the ball, and Arizona had about 4 chances to recover and somehow it squirted to Columbo who fell on top of it. Lady Fate sure seems to be on our side today, and we keep throwing pies in her face.
2nd and 6 – Handoff Felix who cuts left and zooms around for 14. Wow. Have we ever discussed how fast he is? Because he's pretty goddamn fast.
1st and 10 from the Cards 35 – Pass to TO on the left side for another 7. I like this drive better than all the other ones combined. I think Jason Garret took his blindfold off. Or he took his Gas-X.
2nd and 2 – Barber pushes ahead right to the First Down line. I guess they're measuring. Wow, about 4 inches short. Wade looks very confused. I think he had some bad ham at halftime.
3rd and inches – Barber dives ahead for a - FUCK!!!!! False Start on Witten! Goddamn, this is the worst display. Witten's now wearing the blindfold. Or he's a liberal commie. Those are the only two explanations.
3rd and 5 – Aaaaaaaaaaaaand now Romo wants a timeout. Whatever rhythm we had is dead.
3rd and 5 – Romo to Witten who makes up for his dumb penalty!! What a catch! He had to extend his fingertips and defy physics!!
1st and 10 from the Cards 20 – Delayed draw to Barber and he bullrushes for 6 or 7. That was nice. He's starting to look possessed again. Good things.
2nd and 4 – Play fake to the right, everyone going to the right, and Romo turns around and throws it left to a wide open Bennett!! AND HE DROPPED IT!!!! JESUS LORD ALMIGHTY!! WHO ARE WE?!?!?!? That was a touchdown…
3rd and 4 – TOUCHDOWN MILES AUSTIN!!!!! GREAT THROW FROM ROMO, AND AUSTIN JUMPED UP AND SNATCHED OUT OF THE AIR AT THE GOALLINE!!!
Hahaha, holy god. We had a false start on the extra point. On the extra point. Wade Phillips has his back turned to the game and now he's stuffing an entire quesadilla in his mouth. Ok, the second extra point was good.
14-7 COWBOYS w/ 8:11 left.
HOLY GOD!! FOLK'S KICKOFF GOES OUT OF BOUNDS!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE TODAY??? I am out of mildly humorous, sarcastic things to say. This ridiculous amount of ineptitude is blowing my mind.
1st and 10 Cards from their own 40 – Hahahaha, FALSE START on the Cards. It's like both teams are trying to prove who's shittier. That's really what it looks like.
1st and 15 – Edge goes left and only gets 3. DeMarcus and his merry band of banshees are really playing well.
2nd and 12 – WHOA… Pressure right up the middle and Warner has to get rid of it!! Incomplete! Fight, you banshees!
3rd and 12 – OH MY GOD, ANOTHER FALSE START!!! WOWOWEEWAH!! Hahaha, this exchange just took place: Dick: "Pam told us at halftime that [Cardinals coach] Ken Whisenhunt said his team was shooting itself in the foot too much, and they're doing it again here, Troy." Troy: "I think Whisenhunt's about to start shooting people, period."
3rd and 17 – HOLY CRAP!!! This game is fucking insane!! The Cowboys tipped the screen pass, but the RB Hightower grabbed it out of the air and sprinted 17 yards for the first down. Ass.
1st and 10 – Handoff Hightower for about 4 up the middle. I wish it were the Hightower from Police Academy. That would make this game much more bearable.
2nd and 6 – WHOA… Warner's almost sacked, then pitches it to Fitz, who got crushed. Incomplete.
That prompts Dick Stockton to deliver this gem: "And Warner very nearly got it from behind." Hah. Warner's a good Christian, sir. He'd appreciate you not talking about him that way.
3rd and 6 – Complete on the slant to Beaston, who keeps on running and gets about 22 yards. Dammit. Come on, you banshees!!
1st and 10 from the Dallas 24 – Quick pass outside to Arrington, Zach Thomas badly forgets how to tackle, and Arrington sprints ahead for ANOTHER first down.
1st and 10 from the 14 – Swing pass to Hightower for 4. This is not pleasing to my senses.
2nd and 6 – Wow, nice play by the Cowboys, but we were offsides. Jesus sweet lord brisket. What the hell is wrong with us??
2nd and 1 – Fade to Fitz, and fuck is that guy good. TD Cards. But wait, we're not sure he got both feet it, and so Wade does his waddle dance and throws the challenge flag. Man, it's close. I don't think they'll overturn it. Troy thinks they will. HOLY SHIT, THEY OVERTURNED IT!!!!! WOW, Troy knows all. I cannot believe all the breaks we're getting! Wipe that cream off your face and stop bitching, Lady Fate! You belong to us!
3rd and 1 – Hightower plows ahead, for a first down, but not a TD. So now it's 1st and Goal. And Dick Stockton is a confused old man.
1st and Goal – Warner with another fade to Fitz, and this time he catches it and keeps both feet in bounds. Touchdown Cardinals. There's really nothing Pacman can do there. Fitz is tall, and Pacman can't shoot him in the abdomen without violating his probation.
14-14 with 3:21 left in the 3rd quarter.
WOW! The CARDS TRY ON ONSIDE KICK, but the Cowboys recover. Why would they do that? They're not even losing!!!!
1st and 10 Cowboys from the AZ 46 – Marion Barber breaks two tackles and busts up and out of bounds for 9. BARBERIAN!
2nd and 1 – End around to Owens, who finds his way for about 5 yards and a first down!
1st and 10 from the 32 – Romo gets hit has he throws, and it sails behind Barber. Our offensive line will not get fruit cups after the game.
2nd and 10 – Barber runs directly into a run blitz. No gain. I don't care what this officiating crew thinks, I find it in poor taste to allow the Cardinals defense to have 19 players on the field every play.
[Felix Jones hurt his hammy, and his return is questionable. Well good.]
3rd and 9 – Shotgun snap bounces off of Romo's hands! He gets it back, but then he's sacked!! And the sack pushes us OUT OF FIELD GOAL RANGE. THIS GAME IS THE WORST OF ALL TIME. Romo looks like he completely forgot how to play football. This is the worst he's ever looked. Not kidding. So because of Romo's butterfingers, now we have to punt… Done.
1st and 10 Cards from their own 11 – Pass to Fitz blah blah blah it doesn't even matter b/c there's an illegal formation. Troy wants to kick everyone's ass that's on the field. This complete lack of discipline has saddened him to the core.
1st and 15 – FUCKING HELL! Perfect pass from Warner to Beaston, who catches it for 17 yards. First down.
And that's the END OF THE 3rd QUARTER – tied, 14-14
1st and 10 Cards – Warner gets DESTROYED as he throws it deep, but Fitz makes and amazing catch between two Cowboys. Henry's been beaten 2 straight plays now. Fuck me in the goat ass.
1st and 10 from the Cowboys 38 – Beaston with another catch and another 9 or 10 yards. Who the hell is this team wearing white, and what have they done with the Cowboys? They are terrrrrrrrible.
2nd and inches – Edge gets the first down, and about 6 more yards, for good measure. Wade really looks confused. THIS IS YOUR TEAM, FATASS!! DO SOMETHING!!
1st and 10 from the Dallas 21 – Edge runs for about 3.
2nd and 7 – Warner spins left, spins right, and throws it up the middle for a gain of about 6. I made that sound a lot crazier than it was. But just imagine it the way I wrote it. It's more fun that way.
3rd and 1 – Handoff Hightower and he gets the first down. Dammit. But you know what? The Cowboys deserve to lose after this awful display.
1st and 10 from the 10 – Warner passes, Touchdown, Beaston. Henry beaten badly again. Fucking Christ. Aikman said Henry looked lost when the ball was snapped. Great. I'm glad he's our starting cornerback.
21-14 CARDINALS with 10:44 left in the 4th
Miles Austin with a nice return, but he's taken down by Rackers. Dude, you never let the kicker tackle you. The Cowboys have all got shitbuckets. Tons of shitbuckets.
[Um, what the fuck is this? As if this game couldn't get worse, we come back from commercial and are greeted with video of Jerry yucking it up with the Jonas Brothers on the field before the game. Holy Christ, it appears the Jonas Brothers will be performing the halftime show at the Thanksgiving Day game!! Go ahead and just kill me now.]
1st and 10 Cowboys from their own 33 – Romo's chased and he had to dump it off to Barber, who has to dive headfirst just to get back to the line of scrimmage. Yipes.
2nd and 10 – Handoff Barber, and there are 4 Cardinals waiting with torches and pitchforks for him the backfield. What the hell???
3rd and 12 – Screen to Barber. Screen to Barber, and there were about 4 Cardinals around. Seriously, what the hell??? We do have other players. I think.
Punt, and of course there's a penalty on the return. Blocking in the back, I'm sure. WAIT, IT'S ON THE COWBOYS?!?!?!?! WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU BLOCK ANYONE IN THE BACK WHEN YOU'RE PUNTING????? This is the worst I've seen the Cowboys look in years. And yes, that statement includes Parcells' clearly identifiable man-breasts.
1st and 10 Cards from their own 34 – Nice(ish)… WR screen, and D-Ware stops him after 3 yards.
2nd and 7 – Swing pass to Hightower, and he gets about 5… fucking hell. Here we go again.
3rd and 2 – FALSE START!! THANK THE HEAVENS!!! The white receiver moved early!! To be fair, he probably needed a head start.
3rd and 7 – FUCK!!!! We brought the house, pressured Warner, hit him right when he threw, but he still threw a PERFECT pass to Fitz, who of course caught it. It was actually good coverage by Pacman. Damn.
1st and 10 from the Cowboys 41 – Fucking 6 yards for fucking Hightower. I cannot believe this.
2nd and 3 – Warner smashed as he threw again, and AGAIN HE SOMEHOW COMPLETES IT TO FITZ who somehow keeps his feet in!! I'd like a cyanide cocktail, please.
1st and 10 – Run for 2 by someone.
2nd and 8 – Short pass complete to Beaston, and Zach Thomas lays a kill hit on him.
3rd and 4 – Warner SAKCED…FUMBLE!! No, now they're saying incomplete pass. I told you I hated that tuck rule. Fuck. Now the Cards can attempt an FG.
OHHHHHHHH FUCK. And now Ratliff is hurt. Not getting up. Commercial… We're back… I guess Ratliff is off the field…
And Rackers nails the FG. Damn damn damn.
24-14 CARDS with 3:17 left in the game. The Cowboys suck balls.
Kickoff, Austin down at the 23. That means Felix Jones is still hurt. Wonderful.
1st and 10 Cowboys from their own 23 – Pass to Witten underneath caught. Great, that's what we need – 7 yards and tackled in bounds.
Wow, we suck…. Why am I even keeping this commentary anymore? It's all the same. A few yards, here, a few yards there, a penalty, Romo sucks, and few more yards, and the game's over.
1st and 20 – Romo goes deeeeeeeep for Austin, but it's overthrown.
2nd and 20 – Cards are offsides. Yay, 5 yards the easy way.
2nd and 15 – WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT??????? HOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY SHIT!!!! MARION BARBER JUST TOOK A DUMPOFF AND RAN IT ALL THE WAY INTO THE ENDZONE!!! He took a dumpoff, and initially just wanted to get out of bounds after a couple yards; but he saw a little opening and cut up and then just kept running!!! T.O. and Hurd made a couple of great blocks to spring him, and he was gone!!!! TOUCHDOWN COWBOYS!!! YOU CAN COME UP AND HAND IN YOUR SHITBUCKET, MARION!!! YOU, SIR, HAVE REGAINED YOUR PLACE AS THE GREATEST BARBERIAN IN THE LAND!!!
24-21 CARDS – 2-minute warning
However, it seems there was a penalty after the touchdown on Big Leonard Davis for taunting. We can't onside kick now, because of that fucking penalty. Leonard Davis, what the hell is wrong with you?
Kickoff, some asshole for the Cards is tackled by Barbie Carpenter. On accident, I'm sure.
[Haha, Troy just said this about a safety who failed to tackle Barber on the touchdown: "He just continuously continues to take bad angles." We didn't draft Troy for his syntax.]
1st and 10 Cardinals from their own 35- No gain on the first play. Timeout Cowboys.
2nd and 9 – D-WARE savagely takes down Hightower, who could have gotten the first down. Still got 2, but that's all. Holy God, this game is insane! Timeout Cowboys.
If the Cards convert here, game over….
3rd and 7 – SACK, D-WARE!!!!! They left him unblocked to run a screen, and Ware crushed Warner and yelled "WHO'S YOUR GOD NOW, KURTIS?!?!"
Now the Cardinals are gonna have to punt, but they let the clock go down to 1:01.
Punt goes to about the 25. Oh man, Pacman almost broke it on the return, but instead returns it to the 32.
Here we go…
1st and 10 Cowboys from the 32 – FUCKING HELL. Romo's chased, flag goes down, and of course there's a holding call. Of course there is. On Leonard Davis. Your fat ass is eating nothing but sticks out of a trough this week, Leonard. Our offensive line has sucked butt today.
1st and 20 – Short pass to Barber, who has to run across the whole field to get out of bounds. 4 yards. Hmm, there was a lack of magic on that play.
2nd and 16 – Romo's pass is tipped away by the safety Wilson for the Cards… dammit, it looked like a sure thing to Crayton, but Wilson jumped in and knocked it away at the last second.
3rd and 16 – Pass underneath to Witten, but there's a flag. CARDS WERE OFFSIDES!!! Romo's so smart for knowing that. But still, he shoulda tried to go deep.
22 seconds left. Romo's talking to the ref, something's going on… Wade looks confused, as always. Twinkies are falling out of his back pocket. I have no idea what's going on, but whatever it was has been figured out.
3rd and 11 – HOLY SHIT!!! CAUGHT BY WITTEN AT THE CARDINALS 40!! But he couldn't get OB… so the Cowboys have to run it up and spike it!! And they do, with 3 seconds left!! At the 40! HOLY CRAP!! Nick Folk will get a chance to tie it with an FG!!
But wait…Apparently there was a Cardinal hurt on the Witten catch, and he couldn't get up and so he was behind the line of scrimmage when the spike was snapped, and so the Cowboys might get an extra 5 yards!! Everyone's on the field talking to officials…it's pandemonium! Both coaches are on the field talking to officials, players are everywhere talking to other officials. Troy says it seems like the refs have no idea what to do here. Okay, here's the call. HOLY SHIT – they are saying the injured guy was offsides!!! I think Troy's right… I don't think the officials have any clue what they're supposed to do in this situation. The ref has the same look Wade gets when Pacman talks to him.
WHAT??? Now the Cowboys are running a play?? Still from the 40?? Why didn't they get 5 yards for the offsides??? Why are they running a play?? WHAT IS GOING ON????
Hahaha, ok, no play was run, and now the game is stopped down again, and everyone's talking to the officials again. In real time, it's now been about almost 10 minutes since Witten made his catch at the Cards' 40.
Ok, the refs just said the Cowboys get it on the 35; and now the Cowboys are trying a FG. Holy shit, this has been the most insane game of all time!
Hahahaha, and now the booth is reviewing the play??? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON??? As Troy is saying, you can't review and see if a guy's injured! This is CRAZY!! Ok, the ref finally says we're good to go.
Here we go….
Aaaaaand…The KICK IS BLOCKED, but wait… the CARDINALS CALLED TIMEOUT!!! HOLY GOD, THIS GAME HAS EVERY-FREAKING-THING. Hahaha, I don't know if the timeout made the Cowboys relax or whatever, but the Cards didn't know their coach had called timeout and went all out, and blocked the kick. But their coach did call timeout, so the Cardinals can suck it. Whisenhunt can suck it. That sounds funny to me.
Ok, Nick Folk lining up again….
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand IT'S GOOD!!!! IT'S GOOD!! IT'S GOOD!!! That poor injured guy who was offsides cost the Cardinals the win!!! At least, he cost them the win in regulation!! That doesn't seem right! Poor bastard! Oh well!
At the End of Regulation, it's 24-24. OVERTIME, BABY!!!
The Cowboys win the toss!! Holy crap, I kinda feel bad for the Cardinals. Oh well.
Miles Austin returns the kick to the 22.
1st and 10 Cowboys from the 22 – HOLY CRAP!!! Romo gets chased, sacked, fumbles, and falls on top. There are the Cowboys I've grown to know for the last 3 hours. Who needs blocking? Or any sort of coherent offensive gameplan?
2nd and 18 – Romo's pass short-hops Owens. Romo got crunk again. He's gonna be sore tomorrow, and not just emotionally.
3rd and 18 – Romo tries to hit TO, who was just standing WIDE OPEN for a first down, and Romo's throw is about 7 yards off. Jesus Christ, what the hell is wrong with this team? I realize I've been asking that for about 3-and-a-half hours, but you think they'd right the ship at some point.
Ok, so here comes the punt… McBriar's at about his own 5.
The punt is BLOCKED!!! HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!! Cardinals recover in the end zone!! TOUCHDOWN CARDINALS! Oh my God, that's it. There's your ballgame. Well, crap.
CARDINALS WIN, 30-24
Could this game have ended any other way?? I can't say I'm that pissed, because the Cowboys didn't deserve to win this game at all. They played terribly, and they needed to have their flaws exposed. Well, there they are, world. Enjoy.
And we’re live, 3:10 pm! I’m making gumbo, so I’m gonna try to eat, and watch the Cowboys , AND give you commentary as we start.
The CBS NFL people are sending it to Dallas. Huzzah!
The Redskins beat the Eagles (the Skins are 4-1!) and the Giants fucking destroyed the Seahawks. So the Cowboys would like to win this game, thank you.
And holy crap, the Texans might have just lost in the most heartbreaking way ever. They were leading the Colts 27-10 with 5 minutes left, and then they turned into Apple Dumplin Gang and turned it over 3 straight times. And the Colts ended up winning 31-27. You need to read the game story or watch the highlights. If I were a Texans fan, I think I’d spoon out my eyes.
Man, I don’t know how I’m gonna do this for the whole game. God, 3 hours of CBS promos? Shoot me. I’d like to round kick Mark Harmon for a few hours and then rip that dead sugarglider off his head.
What’s going on? They said welcome to the following presentation of the NFL, and then they took us to commercials. Goddamn commercials. I’m telling you right now, I’m not really feeling this live commentary thing, but I promised you, so I’ll just have to fight through it.
And now we’re looking live into Texas Stadium.Jim Nantz and Phil Sims will bring us the call this afternoon. Ugh. Maybe I can pull up the live radio feed online. Let’s see. Nope.
Ok, Cowboys have won the toss, and have elected to kick. They wanna receive in the 2nd half. Sounds good.
Nanztz says the 0-4 Bengals really believe they can win this week. That’s cute. Of course, the Bengals are all insane criminals, so they can convince themselves of anything.
First play, Bengals from their own 22…. Pass bounces off the receiver, and it’s INTERCEPTED BY GREG ELLIS!!!! HOLY SHIT!! First play of the game. Amazing! That’s the Cowboys’ first interception of the entire season.And of course, it’s by our defensive end. Ellis made me happy.
Right now the game is paused, as my old roommate/friend Mike is here packing up and leaving. He moved to Chicago a month ago and was in town for the weekend. We just talked about money and roommate stuff, and we’ve all come to an agreement. It’s a nice thing. Aaaaaaaaaaaaand now he’s gone. It was good to talk to him. He’s working his ass off. He deserves to succeed with this thing. I deserve to succeed with this gumbo. And I think I will.
Anyway, we’ve had 2 runs to Barber for a total of 3 yards.
3rd and 5 – Romo passes…. And just out of the reach of the TE Bennett. Damn. Not a great pass from Romo. Oh well.
Folk’s FG is GOOD – and with that, after 2 minutes, it’s 3-0 Cowboys. Woulda been nice to get a TD, but I’d rather start off the way the Cowboys did than the way the Bengals did.
Dude, stuffed crust pizza makes me want to vomit all over my shoes. Pizza Hut can go suck it. Why don’t you make better pizzas, instead of stupider pizzas? Here’s our first CBS ad… wtf is this? Cold Case. They’re all the same on this network.
3-0 Cowboys
And we’re back… The cheerleaders are shaking their asses. Always good.
Ooooooh, kick return coulda been bad, but Burnet tripped him up at the 20. I think that deserves a fist pump.
Yikes, our secondary’s a little sketchy today. Newman’s inactive (groin still hurt), and Roy Williams’ backup is now hurt too. So Pacman’s starting in Newman’s spot, and Keith Davis starting at SS.A little scary, considering what this passing attack is capable of.
Ok, 1st and 10 Bengals from their own 22. HAHAHAHA, and a false start on the Bengals. This offense doesn’t seem to have had their Wheaties today. Well, more likely, they’re probably all on meth.
1st and 15 – Run by Chris Perry for about 5. The Bengals also signed Ced Benson this week. Former UT running back. Loves drinking and boating, and drinking and driving. Doesn’t seem to enjoy being a good football player. Look him up. He sucks.
2nd and 10 – Pass batted down!! Spears speared it. Nice work, Marcus.
3rd and 10 – Pass to Housh BROKEN UP! No, they gave him the catch… it landed in his hands. Weird. But it’s short of a first down anyway, and here comes the punter.
Pacman returns the punt, but not well. Roughly 23 Bengals tackle him for a loss of 3.
GUMBO TIME! This is some good shit. Holy crap, this little dog i'm sitting is driving me nuts.
Ok, 1st and 10 Cowboys from their own 26… Toss right to Barber, followed his blocks and goes OB after a gain of maybe 3.
2nd and 7 – Another handoff to Barber, met by a dude at the line, pushes through for another 3.
3rd and 4 – Romo pulls a Linus and finds his security blanket, Mr. Jason Witten. Nice. Gain of 6. FIRST DOWN.
1st and 10 – Pass to FELIX, and the old man bumped OB after 6.
2nd and 4 – Handoff to Barber for about 3.
3rd and 1 – Barber, through EVERYONE and keeps going for about 16 yards. Nice block by TO.
1st and 10 from the Bengal 38… Romo overthrows Cricket. .. he was WIDE OPEN in the flat. WTF is wrong with Romo? Jim Nantz just told us that was Romo’s 1000th pass attempt in the NFL. I don’t really care.
2nd and 10 – FALSE START Columbo. Oh well. 2nd and 15 – Screen to Witten, but the Bengals play good D, and he only gets 2. Come on, offense; the Bengals SUCK.
3rd and 13 – Cowboys haven’t completed a pass to a WR so far. Pass to T.O. CAUGHT, but he tries to make a move to get the first down, but falls and is 3 yards short.That was apparently T.O.’s 900th career catch. Wow, Jim Nantz is just full of numbers I could care less about. I’m now breathlessly waiting for Andre Gurode’s 500th career snap.
AND WE’RE GOING FOR IT!! Nice.
4th and 4 – HOLY SHIT TOUCHDOWN FELIX JONES!!!!!!! They pitched it right, and he ran around a HUGE Columbo block and down the sidelines 33 yards for a TD!!! I am officially in love with Felix Jones.That is one fast old man.
Also, in case you’re wondering, my gumbo is very, very good. I wonder if Jim Nantz knows how many times I’ve made it before. I may have to call and ask him.
Cowboys 10-0 midway through the first quarter
ANOTHER KICK RETURN to the 22 – So far, the Bengals have started at the 22 both times, and neither time has it been very good for them. Here’s hoping for a D-Ware body-snapping of Carson Palmer. I don’t think that’s what Palmer wants. But you never know.
1st and 10 Bengals – 9 yard pass to Housh.
2nd and 1 – Run to Perry for 5 yards.
[Wow, Matt Cassel deep to Randy Moss for a TD. 7-7 Pats/Niners.]
1st and 10 Bengals – Ooooooooh, Henry badly interfered with Chad Ocho Cinco. Only about a 5 yard pentaly, but automatic first down.
1st and 10 at their own 40 – Another good pass, this one for 11. Damn, I really hope the secondary can play well today.
1st and 10 from midfield – Ooooooooooh, Bradie James blitzes and takes down the running back 3 yards in the backfield. Bradie James will smack your grandmother if you’re not careful.
Now a False Start, as the noted felon Chris Henry moves too early.
2nd and 18 – Pass over the head of a tight end.
3rd and 18 – Pass to Ocho Cinco incomplete. Pacman was close enough. Huzzah!
PUNT! Bengals down it at the 2. Nice kick, but that just means Romo can pad his stats a little more.Hahahaha, except that the Bengals player who touched the ball first had gone out of bounds, which is not legal, and so it’s a touchback and the Cowboys get it at the 20. Man, these criminals in the orange and black are terrible football players. Good thing they still have their day jobs, stealing cars and beating up women.
1st and 10 Cowboys from the 20 – Oh man, Barber for 16!! They keep running these misdirection runs, and Barber has HUGE holes to run through.
1st and 10 from the 36 – another run by Barber, this one not nearly as good. Loss of 1.
2nd and 11 – Shotgun, 4 receivers – Romo with a BEAUTIFUL throw to Witten up the seam. He just dropped it over the defender right into Witten’s arms. Witten nestled it like a little birdie tight to his bosom.
1st and 10 from the Bengal 36 – Reverse to T.O., and he runs around the right side for 8. I’m not sure the Bengals are good at football.
2nd and 2 – Run up the middle to Felix, about 5 yards, First Down.
And that’s the END OF THE FIRST QUARTER. COWBOYS 10, BENGALS 0.Good things, good things.
Btw, I’m slightly behind, so I’m able to fast forward through all the commercials. Which is a nice thing – looks like a missed a Viagra one, a Pizza Hut one, and about 8 promos for Mark Harmon’s dying-ferret hairdo.
1st and 10 for the Cowboys from the Bengal 18 – Delayed handoff to Felix. Holy god is he fast, and the Cowboy running backs have HUGE holes. 8 yards.
2nd and 2 – Another pitch to Felix, and he gets another 6 yards before anyone even touches him. 9 yards total.For a little old man, he's got some power. Goodness, the Cowboys already over 100 yards rushing.
1st and GOAL from the 8 – Oooh, inside handoff to Cricket! That’s fun, and he gets about 3 yards.
2nd and GOAL from the 5 – Barber with a full head of steam, but doesn’t get much. Only about 2. Man, the Bengals run D is either really good or really bad, depending on the play.
3rd and Goal from the 4 – Romo ALLLLL DAY, and finds Witten in the back of the endzone.TOUCHDOWN COWBOYS!! Anyone who picked Witten for their fantasy teams is a genius. I did not. Oh well, I tend to curse TE’s anyway. I have no idea how my team’s doing. But I don’t think it’s very well. I’m not looking at scores, because I’m typing this, and I’m slightly behind. Just like when I make love.
We’re back, and Jim Nantz just said that Jason Witten was “chillaxin’” on the Cowboys bench. Seriously, he said it. I have the proof. I have no idea what to make to that. Next time I half-expect him to tell me that Witten was chillaxin on the bench for the 25th time in his career.
Nice return by the Bengals. 1st and 10 for them on the Cowboy 48 – Ced Benson runs for 7 yards, and he didn’t seem drunk at all. Good for him.
2nd and 3 – This will only be the 3rd play for the Bengals in Dallas territory. Short run for Benson. Still seems sober.
[Loooooooooooong pass to Lee Evans of the Bills for a TD – 14-7 Cards in that game. I thought about picking Evans last night. Oh well. I think Fitz has a TD too.]
Timeout Cowboys before 3rd and 1. I think Wade Phillips needed a milkshake and didn’t wanna miss any of the action. Cowboys doubling the Bengals in time of possession.
3rd and 1 - Pitch to Benson, nice run following blockers, gets 3 for the First Down.
1st and 10 Bengals from the Cowboys 37 – Jesus, Benson with another carry, breaks a tackle at the line, and gets 10 yards. Maybe he is drunk, because he NEVER ran this well sober.
1st and 10 again, now from the 27 – Benson again, this time for 3. Apparently, the Bengals have adjusted their gameplan: “NO ONE BUT CEDRIC TOUCHES THE BALL.”
2nd and 8 – ANOTHER RUN TO CED, but the D plays nice, and escorts him to the ground after 2 yards.
3rd and 6 – Palmer with pressure… scrambling… puts it up and IT’S CAUGHT ALONG THE SIDELINES AT THE 1!!! WTF??? Dude, I don’t think he caught that!! He never got his second foot in!
Wade sets his milkshake down, waddles down the sidelines a bit, and throws the challenge flag…the officials will review the catch while I watch 17 promos for more terrible television programming. Wow, it’s close, but I don’t think he got his second foot in. THE REF AGREES!! And it’s 4th and 6 from the 23.
41 yard FG attempt by Shane Graham is…. Perfect. YAY, Shane Graham gets his fruit cup now! That’s gotta feel nice.
Cowboys 10-3 halfway through the second quarter
Bengals kick off, and Felix decides to take it easy on the boys from Cincinatti, and he takes a knee.
1st and 10 Cowboys from the 20 – Romo with a pass that hits the feet of Tony Curtis. Um, Tony?Whenever you want to stop doing this Drew Bledsoe impression would be fine with me.
2nd and 10 – Run to Barber, who bangs ahead for 2.
3rd and 8 – And of course, Romo finds Witten for 10. It’s like clockwork. Do we even need to go through to motions with these third downs anymore? Hmmm, now there’s a flag down. Personal foul on Gurode, for jumping on the pile at the end of the play… really? Wtf? I think that’s pretty lame of the refs. Gurode did it playfully, like he was 7 and that pile of massive bodies was a pile of leaves. He was just celebrating his 500th snap! Stupid refs. Anyway, we still get to keep our first down, just about 15 yards farther back. Phil Sims says he was just trying to be aggressive. I think Phil’s watching Gossip Girl.
1st and 10 from the 17 – Delay draw to Felix for about 3, but there’s a flag. Defensive holding! Sweet! I don’t know why a defensive person would hold on a running play, but these Bengals don’t seem to know football very well. I’ll take it!
1st and 10 from the 25 – Pitch to Felix, and good god he’s fast. Up the left sideline for about 9.
2nd and 1 – Pass to Witten along the sidelines… he catches it, but was not in bounds. Not a great throw by Romo, but there were people in his face.
3rd and 1 – Handoff Barber, and Bengals in the backfield AGAIN. Dammit!! Barber stopped for no gain.
First punt for everyone’s favorite Aussie Cowboy, Mat McBriar.Niiiiiiiice kick, but the Cowboys can’t contain it, and it’s into the endzone for a touchback.
1st and 10 Bengals from the 20 – Ohhhhhhhhhhh, Pass over the middle ALMOST intercepted!! Bounced right off of Ken Hamlin’s hands. Oh well.
2nd and 10 – Short pass over the middle dropped by Housh. Zach Thomas decided to say hello to Housh by destroying his back with his shoulderpads. That Zach’s a nice fellow.
3rd and 10 – Damn, nice pass to Chatman for a first down. Went across the middle for 18.
1st and 10 – Demarcus Ware has had enough of your silly running attempts, and he forces Chris Perry OB after no gain.
2nd and 10 – Another run to Perry, this time up the middle, and he gets 5.
3rd and 5 – Haha, Palmer throws a perfect pass to a coach standing on the sidelines. Seems like Palmer wanted interference, but he didn’t get it. Probably because he’s a douche.
PUNT, and Pacman with a good return, up to about the 28.
Wow, apparently the Bengals were the last visiting team to score 50 pts at Texas Stadium. They did it in 1985 and beat the Cowboys 50-24. Boomer Esiason was the Bengal QB then. Are you familiar with Boomer? He’s on CBS now. He used to be my favorite player.And that was Bengals history talk.
1st and 10 Cowboys from their own 28 – Romo checks down to Barber, and he gets about 1. This offense is struggling to stay in rhythm.
2nd and 8 – Nice run off left tackle for Barber for 6, but he gets SMASHED. I think it looked worse than it was.
2-MINUTE WARNING. Hooray for DVR!!
Yayayaya, Pat Sumerall’s in attendance. I love that man. Almost as much as he loved booze.
Ok, 3rd and 2 – Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh shit. Jesus, what a crazy play. And it was not good. Romo scrambled up the middle, got the first down, but the ball was stripped from behind, and the Bengals recovered and returned it for a bit, TO missed a tackle, and then Barber finally got him down but grabbed the dude’s facemask while he tackled him. Shit. Tack another 15 yards onto that.
Oh, but the booth is gonna review this. Romo’s knee might have been down! Let’s hope so. We don’t need to give the Bengals any sort of momentum going into halftime. Let’s look at the replay. Damn, yeah, it looks like a fumble to me. Fucking hell. Yup, the ruling on the field stands.
Jesus, Tony, wha happan??
Ok, 1st and 10 Bengals from the COWBOY 29 – Jesus, Palmer throws to a wiiide open receiver who gets OB after a gain of 9.
2nd and 1 – Another completion, first down. The Cowboys have not been getting much pressure at all on Palmer. I’m guessing they’re not blitzing b/c their secondary is vulnerable, but their front four hasn’t really put much pressure at all on Palmer. I hope Ware drinks some kill juice at halftime.
1st and 10 from the 17 – HOLY SHIT. Run right up the middle all the way to the endzone. TD Bengals. OH, BUT THERE’S A FLAG. HOLDING ON HOUSH!!!!They may as well call him Douchemanzadah. Wow, that didn’t look like that much of a hold. Oh well!!! Who cares!! NOT ME!
1st and 10 Bengals from the 17 again – Pass complete for about 4. Timeout Bengals. 50 seconds left.
2nd and 6 – Finally a little pressure on Palmer, and he overthrows his receiver. Nice coverage by Pacman.
3rd and 6 – MORE PRESSURE, and Palmer overthrows his running back again!! YAYAY, we’re gonna hold them to an FG attempt. Will Shane Graham earn a second fruit cup?
30 yard FG attempt is… good. Shane gets his fruit cup.
17-6 Cowboys with 34 seconds left in the first half
The Cowboys now have 34 seconds. I’m guessing they’ll just take a knee. Wade probably needs some Gas-X at this point. He doesn’t have time for the Cowboys to be running plays.
Felix will take another knee in the endzone.
1st and 10 Cowboys from their 20 – Well, they’re lining up to run a real play. Wade looks pissed. Handoff to Barber, who gets a couple. Clock runs out, and that’s the end of the half. Some fans are booing. WTF? The Cowboys are up by 11, and they’ll destroy the Bengals in the second half. Fucking halfwits.
My ass hurts from sitting in the same damn position for an hour and a half. I gotta get up and walk around…
Well, I walked around for about 5 minutes. But I fast-forwarded, and now we’re about to start the second half.
Felix Jones returns the opening kick to the 22. Roommate Chad just got home. We’ll see if he gets annoyed by my stopping and starting the game constantly. (Note: He didn’t.)
1st and 10 – Romo with ANOTHER PASS TO THE GROUND. Crayton said he caught it. The refs said he didn’t.
2nd and 10 – Pitch to Barber, and MORE BENGALS IN THE BACKFIELD!! Did Wade and the other coaches talk about anything at halftime?? Did we make any fucking adjustments?? I am not impressed thus far.
3rd and 13 – Romo has time, throws to Witten, but only an 8 yard catch. Um, seriously… anytime you guys want to start playing well for real would be great.
McBriar punts, the Bengals return blah blah blah… let’s FF through these ads.
1st and 10 for the Bengals from their own 28 – Pass to someone is caught, but D-Ware decided to crush him. Gain of 1. I support that decision by Demarcus.
2nd and 9 – Nice run up the middle for 8. Good god, THESE ARE THE BENGALS!!! Wtf, Cowboys?!
3rd and 1 – Short pass over the middle for a first down.Ugh. And I’ll say it again. Ugh.
1st and 10 from the 46 – Handoff, and D-Ware most definitely drank his kill juice at the half. Stops him for a loss of 2. Good work, big man.
2nd and 12 – ANOTHER COMPLETION, and he stretches for the first down! Dude, I’m starting to get a little peeved.
1st and 10 from the Cowboy 44 – FUCK!!!! OFFSIDES on Tank Johnson. Good god, we look terrrrrrrible in this second half.
1st and 5 – Handoff up the middle for 5 fucking yards! Jesus Holy Taco! WTF?
1st and 10 from the 34 – AWWWWWWWWWWWWW DAMMIT!!! The receiver cut right, Palmer threw it left, Pacman read it right, and let the pass go through his hands!! DAMMIT. So close.
2nd and 10 – Holy god. Ocho Cinco wide open, and another 15 yard gain.
1st and 10 from the 19 – Run up the middle for 2. Man, the Bengals look like an all-star team right now. They are in some kind of rhythm. I envy their rhythm.
2nd and 9 – Palmer going deep for his RB in the endzone…. He has him… but thrown just a little too far, and the RB can’t quite make a circus catch! THANK GOD!
3rd and 9 – FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!! Housh was WIDE OPEN, and Palmer threw it to him at the 5, and he just waltzed into the endzone. Touchdown Bengals. Mother-shitter! Son of an ass-fuck!
Those are the first points the Bengals have scored in the 3rd quarter ALL SEASON. Good. Good.
17-13 Cowboys
Miles Austin returns the kick to the 24. “Tony Romo and the Cowboys find themselves in a game,” says Jim Nantz. Well, shit.
Viva Viagra! I hate TV. On the bright side, I haven’t seen a single truck commercial yet. GIVE ME SOME WOOD TO KNOCK ON!!! QUICK!! PLEASE!!! Dammit!! Too late. Here’s a commercial for Jeep. Kill me now.
1st and 10 Cowboys from the 24 – Handoff to Barber, kills and shakes and kills for 5 yards.
2nd and 5 – Um, Romo throws it into the ground up the middle. There was pressure, and Romo had to get rid of it. Fucking shit.
3rd and 5 – NICE!!! Guess who?! Witten catches over the middle for a first down. They blitzed, and Barber with a HUGE block, Romo got rid of it and it worked.
1st and 10 from the 43 – Romo steps up and throws long down the middle… WTF??? Underthrown, Crayton still shoulda had it, and he dropped it. HOLY CRAP! TERRIBLE THROW, but CRAYTON SHOULD HAVE CAUGHT IT. What is wrong with them?? Jesus Christ. They're all playing like they drank jugs of buttermilk at halftime!!
The Cowboy wide receivers have a grand total of one (one!!!) catch this afternoon.
2nd and 10 – Barber up the middle for maybe 2. Ugh.
3rd and 8 – Fucking hell. Romo under pressure, threw it sidearmed to Witten, throw was off, and Witten was covered anyway.
Jesus, we have to punt again. Our D better step the hell up.
McBriar punts, Cowboys down it at the 7. Good start.
1st and 10 Bengals from the 7 – FALSE START!! Good, if we can’t beat them, how about they beat themselves. Half the distance back.
1st and 14 – Run up the middle, and Zach Thomas destroys Benson. Nice. Benson needs a drink. 2nd and 13.
2nd and 13 – Nice, this crowd is raucous….Run to Benson, and Ratliff comes off his block and smacks Benson around. NO GAIN FOR YOU!
3rd and 13 – Crowd is really really loud… Quick throw, Cowboys D contains the receiver to a gain of only 3.
PUNT! Not a good kick, and the Bengals down at their own 49. Good, good.
1st and 10 Cowboys from the Bengal 49 – Delayed handoff to Barber, fighting for yards, FUMBLE!! SHIT, holy cow, Flozell Adams ripped it away from the Bengals and settled his giant body over it. Thank god.
2nd and 7 – Toss to Felix, who literally hops twice over two different defenders and then stiff-arms for 6 yards. Nice run.
3rd and 1 – Oooh, quick inside handoff to Barber, gets about 4. Nice.
1st and 10 from the Bengal 35 - Romo looking deep, throws it … INTERCEPTED!! FUCK!!! A nice throw, but they read it perfectly. And the dude jumped way up and caught it at the top of his jump. And THEN he returned it 40 yards to the Cowboys 41!!! Dammit. Dude, this game does NOT have a good feel to it. I can’t even be funny anymore, because I’m so worried about this stupid game. Eight straight games for Romo with an interception. That’s the longest current streak in the league.
1st and 10 Bengals from the Cowboy 41 – Oh. My. God. Palmer throws to another WIDE OPEN receiver. Ocho Cinco for about 20 yards.
And the clock winds down the end of the 3rd quarter. 17-13 Cowboys
Start of the 4th quarter
1st and 10 Bengals from the 22 – WR screen, but the WR falls down as soon as he catches it. No gain. Good.
2nd and 10 – Palmer’s pass sails to no one in particular.
3rd and 10 – Palmer throws short underneath and Burnet breaks it up! Nice. Finally. Good work, defense.
40-yard FG attempt by Graham is…. Good? Really? That looked like the one last week – it went over the upright, and it sure didn’t look good to me. But the refs say it is. Fucking refs. Oh well, Shane Graham gets his 3rd fruit cup of the game. Fucking good for him.
Cowboys 17-13
OH MY GOD!! The Bengals just did an onside kick and they recovered!!!! Sweet Jesus!! The Cowboys do not seem like they really wore their football pants after halftime.
1st and 10 Bengals from their own 48 – WR screen to Housh, gets about 6. Good god. If we lose this game, things will not be happy in Cowboyland.
2nd and 4 – Palmer with ALL FUCKING DAY TO THROW, and he throws it to a wide open Ocho Cinco cutting to the sidelines. First Down.
1st and 10 from the 37 – Toss to Perry WHO FUMBLES IT!!! COWBOYS RECOVER!!!! HAPPY DAY IN COWBOYLAND!!!! TANK JOHNSON KNOCKED IT LOOSE, AND ANTHONY SPENCER RECOVERED!! I shall eat dinner in the name of Chris Perry this evening.
1st and 10 Cowboys from their own 40 – Delayed run to Barber who plows into the line and gets about 2. Man, how is their defense playing well? They looked completely autistic for the first few possessions of the game.
2nd and 8 – Romo, across the deep middle to TO… CAUGHT!!!! AND T.O. OUTRUNS THE DEFENSE, CRAYTON WITH A GREAT BLOCK!!! TOUCHDOWN COWBOYS!!!! THANK YOU, CHRIS PERRY!!! DESSERT WILL BE IN YOUR NAME, AS WELL!!
24-16 Cowboys, just under 12 minutes left in the 4th quarter.
Holy shit… the Bengals just returned the kick 60 goddamn yards, and it would have been a TD if the greatness of Nick Folk hasn’t tripped him up. And the kick returner is hurt. He hasn’t gotten to his feet yet. I don’t think any of the Bengals are used to running that much at one time. 180 feet is a long way.
1st and 10 Bengals from the Cowboy 37… it’s still just a one-possession game. We’re only up by 8. Holy hell, why are they so good and yet sooo bad?Anyway, Ced Benson runs it up the middle for about 3.
2nd and 7 – Good god. Palmer with ALLLLL DAY to throw, and he finds a TE over the middle, and he cuts up for another few yards and a first down.
1st and 10 Bengals from the 24 – Benson shotguns a beer and carries it ahead for about 2 yards.
2nd and 8 – They chase Palmer and he scrambles and he STILL FINDS HOUSH ALONG THE SIDELINES FOR A FIRST DOWN CATCH. MOTHERFUCKER!! No, we cannot cover them. And we cannot pressure Palmer. Fuck our defense.
1st and 10 from the 13 – Run for no gain. Now it’s time for their 2nd down big play that we’ve become accustomed to.
2nd and 10 – Perry runs for about 3 yards. That wasn’t so bad.
3rd and 7 – HOLY SHIT THEY DID IT AGAIN!!! ANOTHER FUCKING TD TO HOUSHMANZADAH! We tried to pressure Palmer, and he just stepped up and fired it to a WIDE OPEN Housh, who again tap-danced into the end zone. Now they get to go for 2. My dear god.
2-pt attempt- OHHHHH, KEITH DAVIS WITH A NICE PLAY!!! They tried to throw a fade to the TE, and Davis knocked it away. Good man, Keith Davis.The Cowboys barely keep their head above water.
24-22 Cowboys with about 7 minutes left in the game.
Felix returns the kick to the 20.
They need a long, time-consuming drive right now. So let’s not pass it 3 times in a row, ok?
1st and 10 Cowboys from the 20 – DELAY OF FUCKING GAME??? Are you kidding me?? Jesus Christ. How do you undo retardation?
1st and 15 – Handoff Barber who hits the hole at full speed and roars for about 7 yards.
2nd and 8 – Romo checks down to Barber over the middle, and the Barberian gets about 5.
3rd and 3 – Let’s look for someone other than Witten if he’s not open. Romo, can’t find anyone, and he scrambles ahead and gets 4 yards for the first down. Didn’t fumble that time. Thank god.
1st and 10 from the 31 – Pitch right to Felix, who uses his speed to get around and up for about 7 yards.
2nd and 8 – Felix Jones misdirection, and he gets the first down and more! AND A HORSECOLLAR TACKLE!! 18-yard gain for Felix, and another 15 on the penalty. Good times, good times.
1st and 10 from the Bengals 29 – Barber around the right side for about 5 yards. 4 minutes and ticking….
2nd and 6 – Delayed handoff to Barber, who meets someone at the line, and then he just plows over him and still gets about 3. True Barberian style. He is beastly.
3rd and 3 – Romo pass complete to... Guess who!? Everyone’s favorite security blanket, Jason Witten!! FIRST DOWN! Everyone who put Witten on their team this week is a goddamn genius!! Nice work. I, as always, can’t pick a tight end to save my life. At least Dallas Clark got me a few points.
1st and 10 from the 14 – Pitch left to Barber… no gain, but he stayed in bounds. Bengals call time out.
2nd and 10 – GREAT play-fake by Romo, but the Bengals weren’t fooled, and Romo has to go down a yard behind the line.I don’t think he’s gonna put this tape in his highlight reel.
TWO MINUTE WARNING
3rd and 10 – HOLY CRAP!!!! CAUGHT BY CRAYTON!! TOUCHDOWN!!! Romo had all day, fired a strike, and it went straight through the hands of Miles Austin and right into Crayton’s hands for the touchdown. Wow. That was awesome. I was a little scared. But now I’m a little happy. And even happier than I can see Cold Case AND The Unit tonight, only on CBS!!!
31-22 Cowboys with 1:52 left.
1st and 10 Bengals from 26 – Oooh, Pacman almost had an interception. Not really, but he had nice coverage. Whew, 9 point lead. Ok this is pretty much over…Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooh, DEMARCUS WARE SACKS THE SHIT OUT OF PALMER!!! Man, he just threw him to the turf. “I have no use for you being alive or having full use of your legs.” Capitavating theater.
Now the Bengals get a nice throw and catch to Housh. Did anyone have him on their team? He’s been all over the place today.
1st and 10 from the 48 – Check down to the RB, who gets OB, but he only got about 2 yards.
2nd and 8 – RATLIFF SACKS PALMER! Poor Carson’s getting the what-little-intelligence-he-has knocked out of him.
Another pass completion, blah blah blah… 25 seconds left.
4th and 9 – Pacman AGAIN almost picks it, but that’s it. THAT’S YOUR BALLGAME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
Good lord that was not pretty, but it’s a win. The Bengals looked good in the last 3 quarters, but the Cowboys had just enough flashes of brilliance to put them away. And now the players and coaches flood the field; Wade waddles his way out there, as most of the Cowboys duck to make sure they avoid any gunfire.
It started a few years ago, when Spurs Coach Gregg Popovich stopped wearing ties to games. This turn of events, when combined with his exasperated and sad face, made him look like a man on trial whose lawyers were afraid he'd hang himself. And it always seemed that the bigger the game, the more likely it was that Pop had taken his outfit directly off of a Goodwill mannequin. 
"Man, I'm tellin ya, it is soo liberating! Soap's just for Jews and nancy-boys. Now you gonna help me get that colored fella's bagel or not?"
"Man, I'm tellin ya, it is soo liberating! Soap's just for Jews and nancy-boys. Now you gonna help me get that colored fella's bagel or not?"
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